Follow The String

Food Adventure: Gram & Dun

2011-12-07T12:28:00.001-06:00

Most people know I’m crazy about food. I’m getting really into the making and technique of it, so when I have the chance to go to a new restaurant, I always find lots of inspiration and try to figure out how to do it at home. (My FAVORITE food blogger, Ali, is fantastic at taking restaurant recipes home at Gimme Some Oven.)

I’ve cooked for the last 3 nights and was ready for some inspiration at another of the newest KC restaurants to open – Gram & Dun. This beautiful renovation is in the former Baja 600 on the Plaza. I’ve quickly become a HUGE fan of Bread & Butter’s restaurants and their unique twist on seasonal ingredients. I love Urban Table & BRGR, and with each new spot, they keep elevating American farm to table food in new and exciting ways.

The renovation is GORGEOUS, and all the beautiful KC people (and some tourists, I imagine) were out in force on a Tuesday to check it out. The restaurant was almost full. Our waitress kept a nice, relaxed pace, and one of the things that surprised me most was that you’re only started with a drink menu. Although it took about 20 minutes to sift through that (with her expert opinion, I ordered an Old Fashioned to warm me from the inside) and get our drinks, before we saw a dinner menu, it was nice to not dive into business straight away.

A note about drinks: I’m not really into cocktail creating, but after sampling new creations on area menus, I’m wondering about delving into it. Their Old Fashioned was so inspired! The (literal) cherry on top were housemade maraschino cherries that were large, sour and sweet candied things that were a lovely addition to the syrupy bourbon and bitters. I’m hooked.

We decided to pace through each course and split everything, which is usually our approach.

Our menu:
French Onion Dumplings (gruyere, sweet onion broth, brioche crouton)
Seared Ahi Tuna Salad (watercress, bean sprouts, wontons, peanuts, seasame, chili ginger vinaigrette)
Duck Pappardelle Pasta (duck confit, red wine, roasted fennel, orange & watercress)

Drinks:
Hubs: Goose Island Matilda
Moi: Old Fashioned (sugar cane, orange slice, bitters, Maker’s Mark, luxardo maraschino cherries)
*Descriptions from their menu

The first course was BY FAR my favorite. 6 toothpicked bites came out on a rectangular platter - carmelized onions are wrapped up like a coin purse in a wonton wrapper with broiled cheese oozing down the sides, swimming in the soupy, savory broth. I damn near licked the plate and will try to make these perfect little pillows for my next party.

Our server suggested we didn’t have them split up the salad course, since it was a “presentation,” and she was not kidding. They stacked the layers of wonton, tuna and veggie elements in 4 colorful layers - sort of like a pile of edible sheets of paper. Raw, red tuna is so beautiful, and it really starred here against the green and yellow shades of veg and the orange/red drizzle of dressing. The dressing was a little on the spicy side, but a sip of hub’s beer cut through it perfectly. (The bourbon and spice had my mouth dancing a little bit.)

By the time we got to the pasta, I was winding down, but the slow cooked, tender duck was a beautiful pair with the (what I assume were) housemade ribbons of papardelle in the red wine gravy sauce. (I love this style of pasta since it holds chunkier meats and sauces well.) I’m not sure that I’d go back to this entrée again, since I didn’t really catch the brightness of the orange and fennel, but it is an excellent savory choice for winter. Next time, I’ll be nose deep in their short ribs.

Lately I’ve been craving desserts at dinner, but we skipped it last night since it was late and our tummies were full. Hubs read the menu, but I wouldn’t even peek at it. On our next trip, I’ve got to see if their Gram & Dun bar is anything like a Snickers (one of my favorite things).

All in all – we had excellent service, and a great experience. The beautiful new interior and inventive food makes G&D a perfect place to go for a night with friends or family. You should definitely check it out. It’s a little loud for an intimate date, but I saw plenty of people on one, and overheard a sweet conversation at the table next to us. It reminded me of our first dates, and the many new restaurants we explored as we got to know each other better. Good times.

The more things change...

2011-12-05T13:39:00.001-06:00

Hey guys…remember me? It’s been awhile since I’ve written here, and I’m not sure anyone outside of the people I’ll let know will even remember who I am.

Life has changed a BUNCH.

What fun to go back and see where the story left off – almost exactly 3 years to the day. In the interim I:

-Got married to Mr. Man a year ago

-Moved back to the KS side of our city

-Decided that the church nonsense below wasn’t worth it, and God walked us around in a circle until we ended up back at the same place again with a different viewpoint

-Got our car stolen…and returned 8 days later (There’ll be a post about this. Promise.)

-Have dealt with serious family illnesses and a death, and am seeing what is emerging from the chaos

-Saw an upheaval in my friendships and have an almost new community

-Learned to cherish and respect my immediate family more as we went through the wedding process

-Have begun the process of starting our family and am sifting through what it means when it isn’t coming together quickly

-Have come to love (and laugh at) how we repeat the same patterns in our lives. Mine is usually larger and more full of upheaval than most everyone I know.

-Spent more hours than I thought possible in my kitchen. And I’m pretty damn good in there.

-Oh yeah, and I turned 30.

So this is a totally new decade. And I’m ready to talk about it. And dream. And see what the hell comes of it all.

I’ve missed this, and you guys. 

the church part 2

2008-12-02T20:15:00.005-06:00

Thanks to all for the encouragement, feedback, etc. That's what makes this all so rich. We still don't have it figured out, but I thought I'd ruminate a bit to see where this new stuff settles.

I'm realizing what sort of power the church as community shouldn't have for me. Sometimes (and as Myles referenced) people leave churches...or friendships...or families for entirely too few reasons. They are proud or bruised or selfish or afraid. I've reached out harder and stuck through the pain to not be one of those people.

We were driving home from Thanksgiving when Mr. Man made a brilliant observation: We're not trying to leave this particular church. It just seems to be leaving us.

I'm reminded of all those moments in my early faith where people counseled me to reach out and rebuke some sort of sin in the people around me. To be sure, there's time for that, but I'll be damned if it's gonna come unsolicited from people I sort of know.

This would be dangerous if I didn't have anyone else, but that's what I've got my friends and family around me for. I've chosen to trust them and give them that sort of freedom to speak unto me. I also trust God pretty implcitly to do this. (He's got a damn loud voice.)

But I haven't given this churchy group of people, who though I like and respect, that sort of reach. It'd be one thing if I surrounded myself with yes men and women, but I haven't. (As those of you who know my girls can attest.)

I've chosen to surround myself with people who empower me and trust in my ability to make the right decisions. I've earned it after making some really bad ones, and working through some horrendous ones, I know the boundaries of a healthy life for myself.

But back to the issue of abandoning or sticking it out: Churches, and a lot of well-meaning people in them, have really bought into the idea that we need to stick and get beat up and wrestle with our "church." I know that Paul talks a lot about the body, but where is this Biblical idea that we're supposed to spend our lives in one community? We change and evolve and find natural reasons to go different places. Shouldn't our ultimate devotion be getting to find God?

If a good thing is the church as an ultimate testing ground, we can find it in other places too. We go to work and encounter lots of people who will give God plenty of space to push us. I'm just thinking that the main place you go to find him and be vulnerable shouldn't be this frought with chastisement.

We get to thinking that true nobility or righteousness involves some sort of struggling and wrestling. And a lot of the time it does. But we have the choice of whom we'll hear that truth from. Life is far too hard and precious to spend it wrestling with people, who, from what I've seen proved, seem to not want to care about us beyond our circumstance.

So I've actually let go of quite a lot of the hurt. And I'm glad I've felt it. I'm hoping to go and sit in the back of our church in the next few weeks and see if I still feel anything close to comfortable. Because like it or not, you've gotta be able to be true and vulnerable to see a semblance of God.

happy day

2008-11-25T18:41:00.002-06:00

so to cope with the issues of late, I'm enjoying:

-wine
-the fact that a 4-state tour with family is ahead of me
-iTUNES!!!! they're back on my computer after a 1.5 year hiatus. first purchases: John Legend's Evolver and Amos Lee's new stuff.

gobble gobble with a groove, y'all.

The church

2008-11-23T20:27:00.004-06:00

I've stolen away some time this evening to be by myself and reflect on a situation that's yielding some tough questioning, doubt and hurt.

Mr. Man and I find ourselves at odds with our church over our living situation and whether that will limit our ability to serve as members in volunteer positions. Of course it's much murkier than that, but that's the jist.

To start - I'm going to try really hard not to bag on the people, though we disagree. It's been a beautiful place and this hiccup is just making me a little confused. Though they've been better than other churches we've encountered, that we were approached at all is causing us to reassess. After my 3 years there (and his 7+), do we feel like it's still our home?

The point that is puzzling my puzzler tonight is about how much authority the church should be granted. Most of you know that I'm inclined to ceede very little, thank you very much, to people I don't personally choose. But is this reality? Is my membership in any large organization part and parcel with some sort of "right" to tell me what's what? This gets even murkier when the Bible gets involved and all sorts of scripture about pastoral authority gets bandied about.

I'm proud of us for sticking in the muck and sorting through it without just huffing off mad. Stuff that stings this much and feels invasive has the tendency to grow and change us - though the process can be awful. It's my hope that God will keep doing what He's always done and lead me into something that is relevant and speaks to my life now. He's been all about moving me forward and healing me, and no frustration or hurt from other people will dispell that truth.

So to be clear - I'm not having a crisis of doubt about Him. It's about how I learn and follow Him.

One thing I'm tossing out there - and will honestly welcome the dialogue about - is the role of leadership or servants in a church and what standards can be expected of them. I'm of the opinion that unless you are exhibiting destructive behavior that affects others, there's really nothing that should stop you from being a full member. Maybe this belief will lead me towards another community of more open-minded believers (I've been looking at the United Church of Christ), or maybe it will lead me to the conclusion that church can be seperate from your own community (and mine is FULL of open-minded believers).

So that's the rub this fine Sunday night. I've gone from being pissed to humble, back to pissed and am settling on something close to adult reflection. More to come...

My heart melts with gratitude

2008-11-19T21:38:00.004-06:00

My favorite women gathered in my home tonight for a beautiful feast.

My favorite man came home early to make a turkey for us.

We had such a wonderful time laughing and making connections.

The food was lovingly prepared and wonderful.

Craig held Jonah as he fell asleep.

I laughed and looked around my home as it was filled to the brim with love.

There is nothing wrong in my world. I am so lucky and blessed.

Yes we can

2008-11-05T20:47:00.003-06:00

...elect a president who rewrites history
...again become a nation that strives to succeed and fail TOGETHER
...overcome the divisiveness that has ruled Washington and bled into our towns
...vow to remain committed to our local communities and ride this wave to local changes
...pledge to hold our MO election board accountable for HORRENDOUS voting conditions
...swim around in this moment and take a breath knowing that we've been heard
...hold Obama to his word with our communications to a man that will listen
...see this nation as a hospitable world neighbor again
...know that this is the day the Lord has made
...walk taller and prouder
...start searching for a woman to break history in my lifetime

Dear clamoring reader(s)

2008-10-27T18:53:00.002-06:00

:)

I start and end with Ms. Anne Lamott's genius: "Life is terribly time consuming." Agreed. Life has been full of new schedules and all the things that life becomes. Since I last wrote:

-Obama appears poised to make a real go of it (GET OUT AND VOTE ON NOV 4!!!!)

-The new job has begun and it's great. The people at the University of Kansas Hospital are incredibly smart and professional. I had my first event last week and it went well. I'm getting used to totally new systems AND the fact that my wardrobe needed a serious business upgrade. No jeans EVER. For real.

-I'm trying to dig myself out of merely existing. I've been kicking a cold for a week or so now and with all these changes, I get home and camp out on the couch for a few hours. It's not making me smarter, but it is getting me caught up on Heroes. Which you should all start watching.

-To that end, I'm hoping to revive the old flames of my fall inspiration with getting my hands on some Wendell Berry and sitting outside for a bit. Nature brings me back to myself and reminds me of how big God is.

-Mr. Man and I are getting into a really fantastic time. We know each other's foibles and quirks. (We love and are loved in return as Mr. Berry would say.) In the midst of this, because we live together (in sin, some assert), we're facing some pretty craptastic scrutiny from people I haven't given permission to. So we're loving each other harder, giving thanks for those of you that love us, even if you wouldn't make the same choice, and we are remembering that God loves the mess out of us no matter what.

-So, we end in a place of hope and faith. For political hope. For a new job that fulfills. For a love that flourishes and is appreciated. We go on as Anne Lammot asserts: "Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

Indeed.

Sayanora

2008-09-26T11:15:00.004-05:00

I have less than an hour left at the Zoo, and it's a bittersweet moment. This place is beautiful and fantastic, and I learned so much last year creatively.

It is, however, time to move on.

But before I get to that, Mr. Man and I are taking a little road trip for some much needed relaxing and we're off this afternoon. Keep your fingers crossed for great weather and fun stories.

So to my Zoo buds, I'll miss you much. To the new folks I'll be working with...I'm coming your way!!!

selah, part 2

2008-09-18T09:41:00.002-05:00

Some mornings I wake up and spend some time in prayer. When I do this, my day begins calmly. I feel an all-pervasive sense of peace through my spirit.

Monks and other devout followers of Christ are used to employing a daily set of readings to pause on the hour or throughout the day in set, reflective prayer over the scriptures. A helpful guide for me has been a book of daily prayers called The Divine Hours. This morning, I read this.

What caught my heart was the gospel reading:

Jesus taught us, saying: ‘And so I tell you this: use money, tainted as it is, to win you friends, and thus make sure that when it fails you, they will welcome you into eternal dwellings. Anyone who is trustworthy in little things is trustworthy in great; anyone who is dishonest in little things is dishonest in great. If then you are not trustworthy with money, that tainted thing, who will trust you with genuine riches? And if you are not trustworthy with what is not yours, who will give you what is your very own? No servant can be the slave of two masters: he will either hate the first and love the second, or be attached to the first and despise the second. You cannot be the slave of both God and of money.’
Luke 16:9–13

It gave me pause to think of how I spend my last days here at the Zoo. Will I be productive and good to these people, leaving them in good stead, or will I abandon the privilege to serve them? I make that decision several times a day and lately, I most often choose to abandon service for laziness. If God trusts me with the smallest details and compels me to handle them with duty and mercy, then I must do so. I was humbled.

Following this moment of reflection I turned on the TV to hear a commentator interviewed by Meredith Viera about Sarah Palin’s inconsistencies on her foreign policy record. When asked if he had a problem with her campaign asserting that she’s been to Iraq and Ireland (she’s been to Kuwait, and her plane LANDED in Ireland, so that was close enough for them), he said these were “small” details we shouldn't be concerned with.

My friends – are we really that sort of people? People who will not directly answer a question or will out and out deceive each other to win? I do not aspire to be that sort of person. I will not elect those sort of people to assist with our governance.

As I reflect upon yesterday’s post and the comments section, this is what I meant to convey.

Every day we make little choices about how to live with honor. The first way we demonstrate that is in our smallest behaviors. We further show our devotion to God by not being afraid of the truth, and speaking it.

I am not perfect. Barack Obama is not perfect. Sarah Palin is not perfect. But we must tell the truth. We must esteem and elect leaders who do the same.

selah...

2008-09-17T15:52:00.005-05:00

"But I know that I'm your favorite
And I said "Amen"
Neko Case - Favorite

There’s been a lot floating around my noggin lately, so I felt like sharing.

First, the election. I just know that deep, deep down, I really believe in all that Barack Obama is about. He doesn’t lie, he’s held to his positions, and most importantly, we think pretty darn similarly about things. I do believe that people should vote for who they believe in, so it’s taking a lot of tongue-biting (as Ms. Lamott does far more eloquently) to understand why people are supporting McCain/Palin when there’s been so much lying as of late. I won’t snark about it, because lord knows enough commentators are doing that, but this sh*t isn’t bending the truth as politicians often do. It’s out and out lying, and Sir, Madam – I am offended that you think we’re too stupid to remember what you’ve said 2 days ago.

Regardless of whether you’ll vote for a man I think could revolutionize equality in this country through health care, economic stimulus and the general willingness to dialogue, I encourage EVERYONE to register to vote this year. Do it today. There's an easy to use tool on the Obama site that lets you check your status. I thought I was registered, and it turns out I wasn't. That would have sucked on Nov. 4.

Moving a bit closer to home, I’ve been tending my garden and life’s starting to yield some exciting fruit. My peeps already know this, but I just got a new job and I’m really excited! I’ll be staying in marketing and event coordination, but the pace will be easier to manage throughout the year than what I'm doing. My last day at the Zoo will be Sept. 26 and then I'm taking some much needed R&R with Mr. Man on a little road trip to Nashville by way of St. Louis and Memphis. Any travel suggestions are welcomed :)

The job gift is another example of how incomparably cool God is to Ms. Ally. We spent a medium amount of time talking on my front porch about this, but ultimately, I think we crossed an important threshold of conversation. The process worked like this: I know that He’s God and loves me. I roll forward excitedly in the new plan. The new plan doesn’t happen as quickly as I like. Freak and panic ensues. God provides and we move on. The threshold crossed: the old Ally would have freaked and panicked around 3 more times. Good show.

But wait, there’s more! Part of this job move and my front porch prayer time is an exciting new opportunity to return to school as soon as January. I’ve been swimming around in the idea of teaching high school English and there’s a program here that would let me pursue a master’s while simultaneously completing any undergrad requirements I would’ve needed. I’m just starting on this path, but after visiting my first classroom a week ago, I’m anxious to see where a little instruction could send my heart. It’d be about 3 years from now, but I get sort of giddy about the idea of reading Pablo Neruda with a 16 year old who just had her heart broken (Tonight I can Write the Saddest Lines).

So that's me. It's been a crazy summer and from what I can see, the fun doesn't slow down anytime soon. I'm trying to learn how to be still and find quality ways to rest in all that life brings. Things have changed a lot since I started writing this, and I hear that this is the way life goes.

The ride continues, dear readers. I hope you are all well and if you're around in KC, let's sit and have a Fall themed ale soon, shall we? You can find a way into my heart by sending congratulatory gifts of this. I'll even share.

Those who put their hope in you

2008-09-05T09:36:00.002-05:00

I give up and You give in and meet me in the middle. You redeem me, pull me up and remind me that you care for all your creatures.

A secret: I long to possess a deeply abiding love that reaches out even when hurt. I ache to do good work. I am sick and need you to resurrect me from this lazy boredom. I'm still afraid deep down inside.

But your love, the truest, most selfless love is the answer to all of this. When I return to my heart and its deep pulsing, I return to the quiet truth - when it's not all about me, this life is technicolor. It's full of peace and grace and struggle and the real marrow of things. It's about community.

It's time. It's time to truly return - to let go of my frustration and lack of clarity, giving up on my selfish self for a minute or a day.

I hope today to be a primed canvas, a sharply listening ear, lips primed for prayer.

chuckle

2008-09-03T15:07:00.003-05:00

I’ve never been good with patience or waiting things out. I wish I could say I felt bad about this, but that’s just not true. I suppose that the essence of a spirit that likes charging ahead is that it’s most comfortable with being in control. Quite simply, patience seems to be the antithesis of progress. Ergo, patience isn’t something I’ve wanted to “practice” in my free time.

I sort of figured that God in his divine beauty would be cool with this. Here’s the rub: God seems stubbornly convinced that I’m due a lesson.

As I’ve gotten quiet each day to talk through what to do about schoolandworkandmakingmoneyandtimingandloveandlifeand
successandwhatI'dbehappiestdoing

(breathe)

He speaks simply to me and gives little by way of answer except these whispers:

Trust in me.
Know that I provide for the lilies of the field.
Surely I’ve got something in mind for you.

My heart knows this. Each time we meet each other, I’m driven to tears by that truth. My head knows this. As I read verse after verse after verse to testify to it, I know it deep.

So why can I not learn it into behavior?

I think this may be the real test of our faith, the real building up of it. God simply tells us that he has it covered, and we are to wait. Faith is born. If this process happens enough over our lifetime, it works itself into our marrow. Maybe it works itself so deep that our head and heart no longer need reassurance. At that point, it is as natural as breathing to us.

I can only hope that this is the truth I walk towards as God and I tug and pull and tussle so. For the millionth time, I wait on the Lord. I have made such little progress as we’ve walked this road, save this: Today, I can laugh at it.

I laugh that we have been down this road so many times. I chuckle to think of the absurdity of a spirit’s reconviction and repentance. Each time it feels so novel and new and worked up. God must find this as hilarious as a child who tells the same joke over and over again. We will always return for the show. For His approval and guidance. And every time, he’ll laugh and clap and give us feedback.

So, laughably, I will wait on Him and keep moving forward. He is a God who shuts doors just as easily as He opens them. So I will stumble and laugh and keep going with my gut.

Gobama...Gobama!

2008-08-29T09:17:00.002-05:00

Holy buckets. So, you know I love our boy Barack. I've been a little nervous the last few days with all the excellent Clinton speakin' and Biden taking off the gloves. I was worried when he first came out and waxed poetic for awhile. For the Hilary supporters and undecideds, he needed to spell.it.out. And DAMN. Did he ever.

I loved pretty much everything he advocated for, but I'm a little hazy on exactly how we'll cut our dependence on foreign oil in just 10 years. I guess he'll be out of office by then and it'll be Hilary's problem, right? :) More details to come, I hope.

I knew he had this in him. Obama was in KC earlier this week and I heard part of his speech where he talked at length about how he'll implement social security reform (taxing the bracket from $100-$250K at a higher level) and how he'll make college affordable for all kids (giving reimbursements for volunteer work...though I'm unclear on where the cash comes from). I was excited to hear a prelude to what I saw last night. He's getting so good at anticipating what needs to be said. I'm proud to support him.

So, this morning I got an email from Biden and read the best line that has ever been added to a donation request:

"This new phase of the campaign will move quickly. By the time you read this, we may even know who John McCain has chosen to be the next Dick Cheney."

Way to pull the rug out from under McCain's Veep pick. I love you Joe Biden.

my favorite words

2008-08-26T16:46:00.005-05:00

Everyone has a triple word score word. A gem of a word that is kept in your verbal arsenal for unexpected gatherings at a friend's home where snooty English majors might appear.

I love such words. I file them away in a mysterious mental catacomb that I imagine looks like the files of one mixed-up Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.

These are my cherry picked favorites...at least upon quick recollection:

minutia: A small or trivial detail.

supercilious: Feeling or showing haughty disdain.

xenophobe: One unduly fearful or contemptuous of strangers or foreigners.

lexicon: A specialized vocabulary.

catbird seat: A position of great prominence or advantage .

beleaguer: To harass: beset.

flummox: To confuse: perplex.

onomatopoeia: The formation or use of words such as buzz or murmur that imitate the sounds associated with the objects or actions they refer to.

tuesday night plans

2008-08-26T16:40:00.003-05:00

I do wish that I wrote something for fun or reflection every day.

Not practicing the craft leaves your brain wandering. The first few sessions in front of my computer are merciless.

But if I visit my journal, and spend some time surrounded by nature, the pen begins to drip.
drip drop, plip plop
We wrestle and writhe in furious bouts
of languid prose.
I am a step ahead of my hand,
able to correct small errors in a single neurological tic.

Ahhh...we become one, the surrounding land and my humanness. I feel more free when I depart. Ready to tackle life's minutia again.

Getting ready to jump OR Big decisions for Ally

2008-08-20T16:17:00.004-05:00

I woke in bits, like all children, piecemeal over the years. I discovered myself and the world, and forgot them, and discovered them again. – Annie Dillard

I am waking up bit by bit these days. The murky fog of frustration has sat heavy upon me. It has followed with such persistence that I chuckle at the resemblance I must make to Linus from Peanuts.

I have tried to push my hands through the film to glimpse a sliver of daylight. Its crystal clear realization has been a long time coming and it flooded in like pure white hope.

The next part is apparent. It is just past the ledge before me. I am so very close. So ready to jump discover a new part of myself. So ready for the next chapter.

Upon my approach, I am quaking a bit internally, but sure as I’ll ever be. (Besides, I’ve seen that all the good jumps make your tummy flip-flop a bit.)

Closer and closer we inch…

****
Tomorrow: stretching before the jump

sounds of the city

2008-08-13T15:44:00.002-05:00

The humid air licks my toes while a soft breeze picks up -
a welcome respite from our oppressive heat.

A secret dream:
My spirit wriggles and writhes in anticipation of the fall.
When we'll wear sweaters and dance, snuggled tightly,
holding hands in the cool twilight to keep warm
(and because our hands search each other out without thought).
There will be a next new season for us in our home.

The sounds here are unfamiliar and only mildly full of nature.
We're surrounded by small patches of grassy lawns
and the noises of bugs that exist everywhere.

Something rubs its legs together,
making an insect's musical soundtrack to a Saturday.
A handyman tinkers and pounds away on something nearby
as his wife leaves him to his own devices
(and a moment's peace to subdue his dominion).
Air conditioners and cars hum and whoosh -
we are a city people,
our bikes locked securely.

That bee buzzing nearby doesn't annoy today.
I welcome the company on this porch
so removed from the vast peace of nature's fields.

Mercy Me

2008-08-11T16:18:00.004-05:00

When I went to Kenya, it was for such a smattering of different reasons, but I didn't realize that I was going to meet my heart there. For years it had dripped and ached with the desire to help. It'd gotten mad, fighting mad, plenty of times over how hard it is to reconcile ourselves with this world.

When I found my heart in the sky and laughter of that gorgeous country of God's, two things happened that made me positive of God's existence on earth.

1. Encoring my unsolicited solo performance of "Amazing Grace" with an entry in a Kenyan prayer book of "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For."

2. Meeting Mercy. I don't know how you can not give birth a child and still feel that you own some part of her, but it is possible. I want her to be provided for, appreciated, thriving in a way that even feels different than desiring that for a sibling. I have woken up in the middle of the night with an inkling that she was thinking of me.

For those of you who know me well, you know that Mercy has become part and parcel of that time. She reminds me of my heart, of my humanity, of how very little we have to do to change the world.

Josie recently sent me this picture from her July trip and it appears that she's becoming a confident little leader.

Glory and praise to God. If this is the only prayer he answers for awhile,

keep it up, ok?

the bloodbath at the westport corral

2008-08-08T08:54:00.003-05:00

Last night we went for a trivia fest at Westport Flea Market.

I swaggered on in to that little beer-soaked den of sin ready for a fight.

The fiesty, bald ringmaster looked to be a worthy competitor and the way he sucked down them sprites told me he'd been to this rodeo before and wasn't gonna be taken down by a budweiser or 12...unlike the the rowdy band of brothers to my left at 8 o'clock. Their team name, "cunning linguists" let me know they'd be victorious in any movie rounds but largely unthreating if women's lib should appear as the final category.

I settled in with a Newcastle in hand, cocky with English courage and ready to whoop up on the young'uns around me.

And then it started: A barrage of questions worthy of opponents like Ken Jennings or Roger Ebert or a flag afficianado (who knew what sort of flag Bulgaria trumpets off its capital building?)

The winning team celebrated with pitchers of frosty brew and a score of 67 points. I cannot remember their name as my pride had retreated to the parking lot and my ego was following it at a steady run.

Team Craptor finished up with a measly 28 points - our previous high score of 48 squandered on the last two categories at 10 points each: "bloodiness" and "the olympics"

I hang my head today. Not only did we lose, but I owe laundry duty and unsolicited peanut buster parfaits to the bf for my lack of trust in his ability to know the Swedish group that had 4 more gold records than any other group in history.

Abba, you broke my heart. Craig was right to trust that Roxette knew a little thing about love.

But it's over now...

The challenge of Christ

2008-07-29T14:59:00.003-05:00

As I read this op-ed in today's NY Times, I'm reminded of the temptation we have (especially in government) to wipe out or punish away societal problems when we could also be intervening early on.

This article specifically addresses Georgia's problem with child prostitution and warns against the temptation to continually escalate the punishment for those who violate the law. (Apparently GA has some of the toughest penalties on the issue.)

First, the editorial calls for increasing outreach and education programs to spot potential recruits into prostitution and to get current practicioners out of that lifestyle voluntarily. This strategy is so often missed because of the time, patience and care involved. It certainly isn't cost or time-effective to really listen to youth in our community, but it is what we are challenged with.

The article also mentions a mayor's brilliantly creative turn with regards to the solicitors:

"The men who drive the sex trade by patronizing prostitutes rarely figure into
discussions of the problem. Shirley Franklin, the mayor of Atlanta, has changed
that through advertisements underscoring the damage that these men do to their
communities."

Many solicitors are able to relinquish their culpability as they erode the self of another human being. As advertisements point out what the emotional and financial impact of their actions are, hopefully the temptation is tempered.

I have long believed that we are simultaneously challenged and gifted with the societal ability to treat a problem long before we see the disease. The most apparent course of action is to punish or limit destructive behaviors (and certainly there is merit in that), but the action should not stop there.

At the risk of drawing ire, I see this punishment/lack of treatment problem especially with the abortion debate. I sincerely believe that most people regret having to make that final decision, but are so helpless or restricted that they cannot see a way around it. As with the GA law, when we move to outlaw the practice altogether, we miss intervening in all the steps leading up to that act. We also miss the opportunity to restore a spirit, and instead condemn it.

If as a people, as a church, we reach out to our community before these potentially avoidable situations occur, we might negate the necessity to outlaw something we find troubling. If we identify groups of young women who aren't practicing safe sex or are lonely, depressed, in need of attention, could it not be an opportunity to befriend, listen, counsel and mentor before the choice is made?

I do believe that our lives face a difficult choice. Will we be receptive to the needs in the people around us, or will we find ourselves drifting into self-absoption? It is not an easy choice, but as more of us make it, the burden is shared and the world can become better.

a day of prayers

2008-07-24T16:13:00.004-05:00

I just keep finding them today. Reciting someone else's prayer is so good for the soul...

Oh yes, fix me, Jesus, fix me.
Fix me so that I can walk on a little while longer.
Fix me so that I can pray on just a little bit harder.
Fix me so that I can sing on just a little bit louder.
Fix me so that I can go on despite the pain,
The fear, the doubt, and yes, the anger,
I ask not that you take this cross from me, only that you give me the strength to continue carrying it onward `til my dying day.
Oh, fix me, Jesus, fix me.

--"Fix Me, Jesus, Fix Me" African-American Spiritual

It is well with my soul...

2008-07-24T09:17:00.000-05:00

Glory be to Thee, O God! Thou art the God Who hath existed before all things, Who will exist after all things and will last beyond all things. Thou art the God Who knoweth all things, and is supreme over all things. Thou art the God Who dealeth mercifully with all things, Who judgeth between all things and Whose vision embraceth all things. Thou art God my Lord, Thou art aware of my position, Thou dost witness my inner and outer being.
Grant Thy forgiveness unto me and unto the believers who responded to Thy Call. Be Thou my sufficing helper against the mischief of whosoever may desire to inflict sorrow upon me or wish me ill. Verily Thou art the Lord of all created things. Thou dost suffice everyone, while no one can be self-sufficient without Thee.

- The Bab

branchin out

2008-07-23T16:18:00.004-05:00

I'm stretching myself a bit:

-Sometime soon I'm going to go swing by the 3 neighbors' places. I've met everyone in awkward introductions but since this is the first time I've had bonafide next door neighbors I want to take them something to get a conversation going. I'm thinking I'll make some cookies or take veggies from the farmers market or something (though an invite to stop over for a glass of wine is probably a better idea). Just call me the reverse welcome wagon.

*For the record, Cass, you're still the best surprise EVER in an apartment complex best buddy.

-I'm also exploring other life options in my head and it's oddly freeing and totally scary in one little bundle. Sort of like big-kid daydreaming. The edges are starting to come into focus and that's pretty cool.

favorite lyrics

2008-07-21T22:24:00.001-05:00

I'm thinking about words tonight. I've resurrected mine and am tweaking and playing with them. I ran across a piece of paper with lyrics inked, heavy. I'm especially moved and affected by music, so I share this with you. It is how I'm feeling now:

"Buildings and bridges were made to bend in the wind
What doesn't bend breaks
What doesn't bend breaks"

- Ani DiFranco

What lyrics stick with you?

First the about face on Iran, now this...

2008-07-18T14:01:00.004-05:00

“The United States and Iraq have agreed to set a “general time horizon” for the “further reduction of U.S. combat forces in Iraq” following the improvement in security conditions in the country, the White House said Friday.” (NY Times)

I'm guessing that the WH stayed up late to avoid saying that instead of this:

We’ve agreed to a timetable for withdrawal….but after years of saying this is cutting and running we cannot use these words. That is all.

***

Way to shape policy until you take over in January, President Obama.

soooo cool now

2008-07-16T15:12:00.003-05:00

Despite some inner nagging, I finally got with the program and am now on linkedin and facebook like every proper person should be. Look me up or somethin' if we haven't talked in awhile.

I am also working on getting my iPod back to normal, though I might or might not have pretty much deleted all applications while searching for the right driver online. Thank goodness for techie, patient boyfriend.

In another bastion of big-kidness, I've tried out a green thumb this summer. In some sort of mad scientist project gone wrong, our first one bleached out to a pale tan color. I can only assume it required shade, and we misunderstood.

Oh yeah, as you can tell by the photo, I chopped my hair this spring. You're now up to date.

Though it's summer, I'm not feeling the joy right now and am searching for something new to bring me peace and beauty. I'll welcome any new hobby/activity/distractions y'all might offer. The well's a bit dry as they say.

All that aside, I'm feeling tremendously grateful deep down inside that I've got this new adventure going on. The man and I are going strong and I'm lucky as hell to wake up next to him every morning (see the smile above for reference).

I knew this was what they said love was. Just simple.

Psalm 37:4

2008-07-10T16:37:00.002-05:00

I desire:
Music to fill my life and ears again
Something new and deep about God to abide in my heart
To eradicate boredom in my life
Peace about the status and placement of my existence
A sense of purpose that drives my feet to find the floor in the morning
The ability to love more creatively and truthfully
Beautiful things that I discover by surprise
To recognize you in all these things

every little bit

2008-06-18T14:08:00.005-05:00

My fellow Iowans have struggled this past week against mother nature. For my parents living in Iowa City, they're safe and up high (thankfully). But as my Dad put it, things in Cedar Rapids (just 20 miles north of them) looked like the 500 year flood. Monday was equally bad in Des Moines (picture above), though I haven't heard how the downtown is recovering.

Dad's found some humor in all this, which I suppose is all you can do when you're helpless. The other night he called me with Led Zeppelin's "When the Levee Breaks" playing in the background. Some people cope with wine, some with rock.

I heard yesterday on NPR that the Red Cross is out of money. Their director said that the group has $0 in their checking account, but they're still helping. I'm not sure how accurate this is, but levees are bursting down the Mississippi and the need must far exceed the resources.

So move some things around if you can and contribute. And throw up a few prayers too. Them Iowans are good people, you know.

well howdy

2008-06-17T10:06:00.003-05:00

Holy crap. It's been so long since I've written that I forgot my password to log in. (If I were a more dramatic sort, I'd say that I forgot how to type.)

This feels a bit like catching up with an old friend. There's a litany of things to parlay, but you need two pints before you really unravel things and get to the meat of it. So, I realize it's around 10 a.m. on a Tuesday, but all my teacher friends out there can enjoy a nice, cool beverage while we catch up. (I suggest the tasty 75th Street seasonal that starts with a "C" that I sampled last night.)

-It's incredibly bragaddocious to say this, but I kicked the crap out of my job for this first time out of the gate. It wasn't a pretty process trying to plan a party for 5,000 people, but it takes a village to move a mountain, book entertainment and raise corporate sponosorships...or something like that.

-In light of said success, I'm exhausted and slowly returning to normal. I really hate the rushrushrush pace of business in America and how consuming it can become. It's going to take me a good month to refind myself and learn how to relax again.

-To find this relaxation again, the boy and I are jetting off to Florida next weekend. You. have. no. idea. how. excited. I. am.

-It's my hope to spend this summer returning to writing and creativity.

-I'll need music to write by, so I HAVE to get my iPod updated. It's been a year.

-New domestic bliss is going well. It's awesome to share the same space with someone you love.

What's new with all of you? Anyone up for a beer to catch up?

One blue girl in a purple state

2008-04-10T10:26:00.004-05:00

I'm about to move to KCMO. Not only will the move enable my vote to count in November (GO OBAMA in a swing state!!!), but it also puts me out of my teensy-weensy little one bedroom that I've loved for so long. Add to the equation one wonderful roommate in my manfriend, and I've got a pretty exciting May and June as we move.

The house we're renting is one that has passed through numerous people at our church, and by the grace of God was available at darn near the perfect time. (If moving right as my event is happening is perfect - ummm...yowza - but that's another issue for another time.)

The coolest part of this house is that it a) has monsterous room, b) is crazy cheap, and c) gets us into a sweet little neighborhood about 5 blocks from our church in the midtown area of KC.

I've loved this area ever since coming to Jacob's Well. I took Cass to 39th Street as one of our first activities. I've sat on the patio at Fric & Frac with a beer and a book through so many summer afternoons.

This area is just so much more full of life than suburbia where I dwell, and not quite as sketchy as downtown, where Mr. Man lives. The people aren't all saccharine smiles and Target carts, and they aren't trying to constantly hit you up for money outside your house either.

I was so filled with anticipation as I grabbed coffee the other night in an area really close to the new digs. The air was buzzing with energy. The people are a mix of wealths, ethnicities, and lifestyles. THEY are my people.

I'm already excited for future Ally. I envision her biking over to 39th St. to grab coffee, planting tulips in front of the porch, and having people over to a bonafide house. It's gonna be so cool...

Practice

2008-03-18T08:21:00.003-06:00

"What you don't have you don't need it now, what you don't know you can feel out somehow."
Beautiful Day - U2

I woke up almost an hour earlier than normal today and stole away for some quiet time.

There's been a lot of noise lately.

As I was praying, I read through Psalm 18 - a psalm of celebration and thanksgiving for David's deliverance. Afterwards, one thought hit me:

Practice gratitude.

This brings me to my next benediction: we must practice having a spirit of gratefulness. It does not come our way without exercise. The more we are thankful, the more we see around us to give thanks for.

Slowly, life begets life. Beauty begets beauty. Peace begets peace.

May we be diligent about practicing gratitude. We need so desperately to feel more hope and find our souls quieted by God. Gratitude is a quick way toward His arms.

Today, may you practice being grateful for the things you have.

small benediction - thursday

2008-03-13T10:18:00.002-06:00

Go out of your way to do something for someone. Put a little effort into it.

***
I had a friend I sort of fell out of touch with. Some of it was my pride, some of it healthy distance. I heard about a life change she was going through, and though we hadn't spoken in 6 months or so, I sent something to her. I talked it over with the man, and he encouraged me to send it - even if I never heard back, it would make her day.

This week I got back the nicest, sweetest card in response.

I could have sat on it. I've done it a million times before, but that simple act let her know I cared, and reminded me that all isn't lost.

***

Though I don't think of myself as prideful, it is hard to humble myself and reach out with the frequency I'd like.

Might we go beyond ourselves today and love someone. Might we be the love we so desperately seek.

Be loved. Be blessed.

2008-03-12T08:33:00.004-06:00

I used to write that a lot as a closing line in emails, thanks to inspiration from an old college buddy.

I found it beautifully comforting to pass that along to my friends as a benediction. I felt that in our rushrushbusybusy work lives, it might be soothing to take a second and be loved before we jumped back in.

***

A few nights ago I called my voicemail at work to remind myself of a task. In my calm 9 p.m. voice, I told my future self to rest and take a minute to be thankful the next day. I uttered those words, "Be blessed. Be loved." By the following morning, I was already amped up and needed the reminder.

***

I hope that I still do things like this for my friends. If I haven't been lately, you deserve a group apology. I am sorry. It's been a selfish time, learning to be in love and start a new job. I am sometimes neglectful. I hope to work it out.

First step: don't miss chances for small benedictions.

Happy Wednesday all. Be blessed. Be love to someone who needs it today.

We keep crawling back to you

2008-03-05T13:25:00.001-06:00

Life is a seamless string of lesson learning - the ebb and flow of challenges, successes, hard times and bountiful blessings.

I’m growing accustomed to the fact that each lesson is so very little about the circumstance of the moment and whether we win. Rather, these trials and tribulations test our character and tell us about the very nature of ourselves.

Will we learn for next time? Will I be modest? Will I give in to anxiety and let it ruin my happiness? Will I show grace and joy in the chaos?

Sarah’s family goes to a church called Crossroads in Waldo. The people there are wonderful - warm, caring, diverse and seeking to experience God in a big, broad sense. Their pastor, Jack Price, sends out a weekly email that I’ve (honestly) not taken much time to read - until today, when his words answered how we could react. The answer lies is creating spae. In this case, the space for God to be a creative God.

“The biblical model shows us that God’s response to chaos is creativity. To be creative in the midst of chaos will certainly mean different things to different people, different churches, and different nations. To be creative in response to chaos, however, always means to generate new life, new hope, and new possibility.

How can we be creative in chaos? First of all, we have to remember that we are not God and we’ll really need to give up attempts to play God. Having said that, we can trust that the creative work of life is what we, as human beings, are called and equipped to do. Being creative is what we do as human beings, except when we forget. It’s easy to forget. Second, we need to try to keep our anxiety down so our creativity can be up. Anxiety is the enemy of creativity. Third is the need to practice Sabbath in our lives. Remember that, not only did God rest – practice Sabbath after 6 days of creating -- but Sabbath was actually the climax (maybe even the purpose) of creation.

Practicing Sabbath is to live as fully as possible in the presence of God. I am reminded of the words of the eminent Jewish philosopher Martin Buber: “Meet the world with the fullness of your being and you shall meet [God].” (from The Writing of Martin Buber)

– Jack Price

I love this take. The greatest challenges of my life exist in my mind and rarely find fruition outside of it. It’s as Tom Petty famously sang, “I’m so tired of being tired. Sure as night will follow the day, most of the things I worry about will never happen anyway.”

Time has told me that he's right. The challenge is to live my life and believe it.

Just another manic Wednesday

2008-02-20T10:30:00.002-06:00

Life is good and busy and in the midst of all of it, I'm feelin' real good today. A few thoughts:

-There's been far too much stuff already this winter. Lots of illness, sudden travel plans and new life changes on the horizon. But I feel good and still today, so I'm going with it and we're not dwelling here. God, we might need a break soon, ok?

-I'm coming to terms with the fact that life is what it is. Sometimes it's just enough to get out of bed and get through your day. Sometimes that's your first sign that you have to change something and adapt.

-I watched a sinfully good movie by myself last night - Amanda Bynes in Sydney White. Wow. Certainly not academy award caliber, but just perfect for unwinding after a long day. I had a Black Dog Ale to counteract the cheesiness.

-I'm subsequently grateful for said Black Ale. 1 1/2 of them could also be the reason I enjoyed the movie.

-I'm also learning that life doesn't look like the past. I don't know when I started thinking that we master things and keep them forever, but baby, it just keeps on rolling ahead. Onward we go...

-It's fun to try and find new ways that God impresses you. Bright skies, pomegranate tea, Broken Social Scene on a Wednesday, boots and hitting the snooze alarm to snuggle longer with my honey. All beautiful gifts.

-Barack is OWNING the primaries. I'm just curious why McCain won 2 states and "sewed up the nomination" but Obama's winning streak is still "tenuous." Can't wait for November, President Obama. It's gonna be glorious. I'll be hopeful once again.

What's up out there, blogger commenters? I feel like it's been far too long...

Thursday riffs

2008-02-07T13:22:00.000-06:00

As you can tell, this week got off to a crazy start. Sanity has resumed and after 2 days battling some devil stomach bug, I'm feeling noticably like Ally again.

In honor of the days of old, I'm back with some bits of gratitude for small (and large) blessings as of late:

- For all of you that have been tracking it, I'm happy to report that my buddy Julius seems to be doing well in spite of all that he's navigating in Kenya. I've actually heard his voice via phone, and that set my heart at peace. For continued updates, keep checking Soulfari Kenya's blog.

- I'm reclaiming confidence again. Negative thoughts are something we all struggle with, and on Monday night, I found that I hadn't let myself get quiet enough to shut them up. We're working on replacing them (as Sarah calls them, our "inner gremlins") with good thoughts, so repeat after me, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough..."

- I'm also hoping to spend some good reflection and reverence time now that Lent has begun. In the last 2 years I've found this season to be particularly healing and cathartic, so I'm ready to begin again. As usual, I doubt I'll give anything up, but will be taking something on...though I'm not sure what that'll be yet.

- I re-found Iron & Wine again last night as a little pre-bedtime tuneage. I don't mind if their songs all sound the same...I just could listen to "Naked as we Came" on repeat until forever comes.

That's the newness here kiddos. I feel confident that six weeks into '08, I am now ready for it.

And you call me again...

2008-02-04T15:39:00.000-06:00

"You, oh God, have a heart to feel what others turn away,
You, oh God, have arms to hold the hurting one in pain."

Today's soundtrack: Always Beautiful - Enter the Worship Circle (Second Circle)

This afternoon, I sit at my desk all tenderhearted, in and out on the verge of tears. I have no idea why.

I have no idea why sadness comes, why joy lingers, or why there are such highs and lows to this world. I also have no idea why they sometimes come with no provocation.

I can offer very little insight into this. I just feel like a drive out to the park for a good talk with God might be due...especially since today I feel like I really get that David guy who wrote all the bipolar psalms.

**Ed. note: E, I am coming more and more to the conclusion that the idea of balance is something unachievable and as you attest, we'll be better off ridding our minds of this lunacy.

May peace reign.

2008-01-31T10:53:00.001-06:00

With positively the heaviest heart, I pass this along to all of you.

Kenya, a beautiful country that I came to know and love has descended into a chaos that none of us dreamed possible. In the midst of this fighting, so far away, my friends were tragically touched.

Julius' brother Melitus Mugabe Were was the MP that was murdered late Monday night.

This week has been a blur of prayer vigils, chai pouring and now, urgent prayer and waiting as Julius lands in his native land to bury his eldest brother and attempt to get the rest of his family to safety.

My friends, I mourn for him. I ask you all to join in prayers for his safety and protection in the midst of the violence.

If you are in town and know the Were's, phone calls and visits will be appreciated. Tonight the Organization of Kenyans in Kansas City will host a fundraiser at their home. The next month will be challenging for them as they take on the financial obligation of this tragedy. They are expecting a baby, and that adds to the expense of it all.

If you want to donate, visit the Soulfari blog or mail donations to:
Soulfari Kenya:
PO Box 2321
Shawnee Mission, Kansas 66201

Julius, may God be with you. We love you. Come home safe.

!!!!!

2008-01-16T09:58:00.000-06:00

IT'S MY 27th BIRTHDAY!!!!!

So far, I've gotten the most beautiful flowers EVER from my boyfriend AND the prettiest card in the universe from Cassandra.....and it's only 10 a.m. Man, life is good!

You may now return to your regularly scheduled January 16th plans. :)

Update: Got the GREATEST picture from Sarah.

missing my homeland

2008-01-03T15:46:00.001-06:00

Tonight would be a great night to be an Iowan again.

I just talked with my Dad, who'll be heading over to the local elementary school tonight to stand up and participate with my Mom in the democratic party's caucus. (Full disclosure: it does give me chills to type the word DEMOCRAT.)

We discussed why he's choosing a particular candidate, what political gaffes candidates are getting skewered for (Huckabee's crossing the picket line), who's "buying their way in" (cough, cough, Romney), and the criticism of the Iowa caucus. My Dad was a U.S. History & Government teacher back in the day, so these talks are always rich and mentally stimulating.

In the course of our conversation, I started to toe the pundit's line about "things being unfair because they're held at a certain time and you have to physically stand behind a candidate, not cast a ballot," but then Dad pointed out something brilliant. Iowans don't care. They aren't the ones complaining.

And this, my friends, is why I love Iowa.

Iowans get wrapped up in all the election hoopla, but something about it is different. Like it doesn't go to their heads.

They'll vote, then wait to do it again come November.

They won't bitch about a system that works for them, and has since the farm days.

People will go listen to 6 different candidates during the primary season and then decide tonight.

The Des Moines Register will report on each candidate (quite well, I'd add) and then this weekend, go back to other reporting, not speculating on how cool they were.

So maybe there's more than one reason I wish I was there tonight. Not only to give my boy Obama a caucus-goers endorsement, but because it'd feel good to matter...then go on with life again until November.

Have fun Moms & Pops.

-A

and, erm...Go Obama.

New Year, More Of

2008-01-02T15:30:00.000-06:00

As someone who struggles with absolutes, I’m not really a fan of resolutions. A few years ago I heard someone mention that they just wanted to do more in the next year of what they were already loved or were good at.

Keep on doing what you already like? I can get behind that.

With that in mind, I hope that in 2008 I’ll:

- Love my job even more and start believing that I’ll be successful in June
- Keep learning how to love my boyfriend better
- Continue growing and cultivating my mind and passions
- Get more and more used to being settled in my skin
- Give time and energy to Soulfari Kenya
- Experience new music and culture
- Let God be God
- Keep on loving myself

(ahem) amen

2007-12-31T13:25:00.000-06:00

"Out of panic and ideology, President Bush squandered America’s position of moral and political leadership, swept aside international institutions and treaties, sullied America’s global image, and trampled on the constitutional pillars that have supported our democracy through the most terrifying and challenging times. These policies have fed the world’s anger and alienation and have not made any of us safer. "

Preach on, NYT editorial board. I'm looking forward to November 2008.

A New Year's prayer for peace

2007-12-31T10:25:00.000-06:00

In the midst of our lead-up to New Year's Eve tonight, I ask you all to pray with me. My friends in Kenya are undergoing a tumultuous time in the wake of this past week's Presidential election.

The situation is this: the incumbent leader, Mwai Kibaki, was just declared the winner and the opposition asserts that the election was rigged. At the core of this conflict is Kenya's divisive problem with tribalism (long standing discrimination and frustration based on the power of certain tribes from throughout the nation). Reports of more than 100 dead and riots continuing grieves my heart.

The history of Kenya's tribal conflicts and political independence is murky and complex to understand or explain. I know so very little. I do know that I believe that there is no excuse for violence. None.

Let me be clear: the Kenyan people I know are peaceful, loving citizens that might be caught up in the midst of this - especially our friends in Kibera, an incredibly tribally divided slum where much violence is being reported.

Today, please help me pray for Salim and all the people at Carolinas for Kibera. Also for Gloria, Kwame, Nelson, Kim, Emmanuel, Juliana, Mary, Mercy, Kevin, Shiro, Mama Helen, Pamela, and any other people that the travelers of Soulfari Kenya have met. May they be safe and healthy and supportive to those around them who are caught in the midst of this.

If you're interested in learning more about this from a Kenyan perspective, please take some time to read an article about it today.

Please offer up your own good wishes or prayers that the violence stops and the country might come together. It is unsure whether the elections were in fact rigged (as dissidents report), and I pray that the right leader will be identified and allowed to come to power.

Lunchtime struttin'

2007-12-20T15:18:00.000-06:00

I had lunch with myself today. We went out for soup and some quiet and I found myself back in lovelovelove with Anne Lamott all over again.

Even when I was a kid books could make me happy faster than just about anything. As an adult I think kisses might work better, but prose like this gives me the same sort of warm feeling:

“…I had decided that I was going to take my thighs and butt with me proudly wherever I went. I decided, in fact, on the way to the beach that I would treat them as if they were beloved elderly aunties, the kind who did embarrassing thing at the beach like roll their stockings into tubes around their ankles, but whom I was proud of because they were so great in every real and important way.” from Traveling Mercies

So me and my aunties strutted out to the car and back to work. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Breathe peace

2007-12-18T10:34:00.000-06:00

The last 2 years I’ve been fortunate enough to enjoy a quiet December calendar. There was space to relax. There were few obligations or presents to buy. There was a quiet peace to prepare for Christmas and to renew myself before the new year arrived.

In its place, a packed calendar has sprung up and I’ve been lamenting the busyness of this year.

This morning I had some time to think and it struck me that I am cursing good things that have sprung up since last year. This December has been full of gatherings with friends, family in town, work meetings for a new job that I’m blessed by, volunteer work I’m passionate about, and holiday time with a boyfriend I love.

That’s enough to fill a calendar.

Still, I don’t want to vanish away to a frazzled mess in the middle of all this blessing, so I’m hoping to making this next week more intentionally quiet and reflective. These are just the first seeds of musing, so I’m reticent to pin down what that looks like, but I wanted to share my feelings because I think a few of you might be feeling the same way.

And so, that leads to this wish for myself and all of my friends and family and readers:

I pray that you would know peace in the next week leading up to Christmas. Whether it’s a stolen lunch for just yourself and your thoughts, a quiet time to pray or meditate, or the gift of grace for all the things you’ll leave undone this week, I pray that you all would see the space around you and not feel strangled.

Pray for the peace of Jerusalem:
"May those who love you be secure.

May there be peace within your walls
and security within your citadels."

For the sake of my brothers and friends,
I will say, "Peace be within you."

For the sake of the house of the LORD our God,
I will seek your prosperity.

Psalm 122:6-9

May you breathe peace in and pass it around.

the triumphant holiday return of miscellaneous opining

2007-12-04T09:54:00.000-06:00

Huzzah!

Friends, blogreaders, countrymen, this place has been quiet. As such, I give you the following updates:

Last week I had one mucus-tastic sinus infection. My throat-swollen, headachy self looked to a helpful, loving doctor to restore my good health. As said doctor looks into my throat, she says, "mmm...that's bad." Always good to know. She went on to prescribe uncoated horse pills that must have gotten switched en route to the vet in an evil display of FedEx delivery person trickery. Like the 8-year-old that I am, I've been diligently cutting them in half and have returned to work this week, pills in tow, looking (and feeling) more like a normal person.

I went to see No Country for Old Men on Sunday and it was stellar, confusing, haunting, irritating and beautiful all in one little bundle. Two days later, I'm still puzzling my puzzler about certain plot gaps and starts, wondering what I missed. Best part of this movie: it messes with you. Worst part of this movie: it messes with you.

I feel like a certified grown-up this year. Perhaps it's the love-driven impulse to buy Christmas trinkets for my manfriend, but I've got almost everything bought. I also did most of it online. (I'll pause for you to shake your head.) Seriously, where have I been? I'm used to braving the huddled masses of frenzied soccer Moms during the last week of December, but have found (perhaps inevitably) that comparison shopping online for African trinkets is so much easier than hunting them down.

Also on the Christmas note, it appears that the gals group is doing a gift exchange this year. In light of all this icky shopping excess, it feels good to know that we're trying to step back. We will have a celebrating of biblical proportions in its wake with singing, feasting and merriment to boot.

That's right. Merriment.

Continuing with Christmas cheer, the man and I are putting up a Christmas tree at his place this evening, and I will think of you all with fondness in my heart and wine in my belly as I hang the coordinating blue and silver ornament balls.

I said something about merriment, people.

XOXO and Ho-Ho-Ho,
A-gator

thank you...

2007-11-21T08:57:00.000-06:00

for this job that enriches me
for parents who'll miss me tomorrow
for a love who understands who I am
for the comfort of old friends
for the abundances of my life

for being so very good to me.

*sigh*

A gushing open letter to Rob Bell

2007-11-07T10:31:00.000-06:00

Last night I went to see one of my favorite “brothers from another mother” speak - Mr. Rob Bell. - pastor of Mars Hill Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan

My journey of self-discovery has been greatly enhanced and enriched by the way this guy thinks about the world and God’s partnership with us. You could say he’s showed me that God is freedom, love and healing. All things that a good pastor is supposed to do.

I think I’ll be chewing on his message for awhile (stupidly, I forgot a journal last night), but here’s takeaway number one: God’s still in the miracle business.

I’ve seen some pretty amazing things happen in my own life. Things that still make me gush and weep when I remember them.

I’ve done some pretty great things too. Things that make me feel like I’m using up every bit of good in my being. Thing I’d like to brag about because I’m proud – not prideful.

With age comes a bit of wisdom as I look back (I’m told), and I can see God’s beautifully mystical, miraculous touch like gleaming bits of gold on my past. So last night, I remembered this miraculous God when I got set free again.

Suddenly,
I remembered to look around and catch the small miracles.
I remembered to remember that God loves me more than I’ll ever get.
I remembered that He’s thought I’m cool enough to be his wingman in this life deal.

It’s so good to see God’s face again. Man, He’s beautiful.

Thanks for taking the time to clear a path, Rob. Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re reaching the old and the young. The not-even spiritual folks, and the everything is spiritual ones too.

I get the feeling He was well pleased at our simple gathering last night.

My almost-reads

2007-10-31T13:40:00.000-06:00

I read this article in Slate today about famous writers and all the phantom books they're constantly chasing and well-intending to read.

I am NOTORIOUS for this. While I can't say that I experience guilt about it, I do walk by my dresser and see books here and there, spines half-bent, stories halted until I pull the covers back...and sigh. For some reason, I'm stuck with these few gems:

The Idiot - by Doestoevsky. I am paused, probably 170 pages into this sucker, and now I think I'll have to start back at the beginning if I get back around to reading it. His writing is poignant, beautiful and I loved every bit of it, but my mind struggles with remembering the names of 100 characters with very Russian names. I also started this when the weather was beautiful and my mind was distracted. He's an author you cozy through the winter with...in a blizzard...when you're in bed with a 2-week flu...and you can't sleep.

The Bible. My feeling on reading the Bible is rather similar to my life approach. I sort of take what I like and hang out there, and forget about the rest. I do feel like I SHOULD know what all is in THE book I base my faith on, I just don't know that God wants me feeling all guilty for not reading Judges when he can speak so prophetically to me through the Psalms. And I also know that I won't be doing a 365 day Bible reading program anytime soon...so this one is probably a life's goal.

The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard. Willard is brilliant, but I needed a break after each section to process it since there's so much there. I'll get through it in about 4 years and will feel like I've attended college - my brain will be more enriched, but damn...did it have to be that long?

Other books that I am convinced no one should feel guilty for not reading:
Beowulf (single-handly responsible for my abandoning and English major)

Gaiwan and the Green Knight

Anything by Milton,

Authors who think they're brilliant when they're just abstract (ahem, Dave Eggers).

I see no need to elaborate here. I just think that life's too full of fantastic literature for you to suffer through something you hate.

Dear readers, leave your thoughts in the comments, won't you? It might give me something else to feel guilty about.

Hakuna matata

2007-10-24T09:53:00.000-05:00

Well, hello and happy Wednesday, friends. Life is mzuri sana (very fine) as they say in Kenya.

Oh, and speaking of Kenya, did you know that my good buddies with Soulfari Kenya are leading another trip there this July 8-25? Well they are! And you know what? You could go! Yes, YOU!

Some of you saw me make the journey in 2006 (see old posts for my stories) and in all seriousness, it'll change your life. And sometimes, that's a really good thing.

But even though you know me, see what other people say about it. Check out their blog for traveler stories, watch the NBC interview with stories from last year's travelers and get trip info on their website, or holla at me in the comments if you have questions. I really hope you'll all consider it.

Kwaheri (later),

A-gator

The BEST

2007-10-23T10:14:00.000-05:00

I often joke that I'm KC's unofficial welcome wagon. I was reminded of this yesterday as we welcomed in a new co-worker from Texas into our department. "Oh, you've GOT to go to Lulu's - awesome lunches - even better saki." "La Bodega. Great Happy Hour." "Every BBQ fan must do the gas station BBQ at Oklahoma Joes."

I've got a million of 'em. I mean, I'm from a family of wagoners.

My brother could tell you the BEST anything - restaurants, bars, movie theatres, ways to get somewhere. We joke that he knows "a little bit about a lot."

My Dad loves to seek out the smallest, dive-y-ist places in town. He's a special conneisseur of greasy spoon breakfast joints. I attribute this to years spent in Village Inn kitchens.

My Mom tends to seek out shops and places she can get rare beauty items. She knows people everywhere and will drive a few hours to grab something she needs.

Bits of them have bled into me. I recognize that the important part of my wagonerring isn't solely the recommendations - it's the time spent with the newbie. When I met Cass, our first day together was an unofficial tour of KC down 39th street exploring the local vintage spots and restaurants. Sure, I could have told her where everything was, but we did it together, and got to be amazing friends as a result of it.

It reminds me that while we extoll the virtues of quality time with our families, and though we surely have so little of it to spare, it's important to share it with strangers too.

"Resting in the grace of the world"

2007-10-11T10:28:00.000-05:00

Today something is just well with my soul. I feel like a tiny little drum band is playing inside my heart. I can't trace exactly why it's happening, but it's such a nice little surprise.

It's making me think of all the little things that we take joy in, and how good God is to give us such tiny blessings. For me I can feel all the pleasures of green tea in my cup, a peanut butter english muffin this morning, beautiful girlfriends, an amazing love and the crisp fall weather that caused me to put on tights today.

This world is a good one - contrary to what we hear in the news, from our griping inner monologues or our unsatisfied hearts. True, there is always more to want, strive and hope for, but today, I find inexplicable joy in the now-ness of today.

Or as Wendell Berry says:
"I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief... For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. "

I am where I am. No more, no less. And the view is beautiful.

Listening to: 7/4 (Shoreline) - Broken Social Scene - Broken Social Scene

Mondayness

2007-10-01T09:29:00.000-05:00

It's Monday and my brain's been all sorts of swirly and to and fro lately. If I cock my head...here's what falls out.

- Fall's coming, and I'm pretty excited about that. It's creeping up, but I'm still holding out for more 60-70 degree days before we slide right into drizzly sludge. This is KC after all, and fall seems to last for about a minute and a half around here. I just can't wait to wear sweaters and coats and cozy up with my manfriend on a couch watching movies. Fall is fantastic.

- I need to consume something new and mentally stimulating. It's been awhile since I've finished a book and my attention span is a little short, so articles and music will have to do for now. Anyone checking out anything interesting? I've been spinning the new Jill Scott and it's sorta meh. Her last album really grew on me, but this is a slower starter.

- I had a great weekend in Lincoln - my Husker's pulled out a nice win and my family was wonderful. We went to mass in the a.m. and the choir was angelic and lovely...surprising for a Catholic service. The priest talked quite a bit about generosity, charity and caring for the poor, so as it finds a home in my heart, maybe we'll talk a bit about what that means for us.

- Lastly, for a bit of Monday hearting, one of my best girls sent this my way this morning, and I had to pass it along -

“It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles.”
– Paul the Apostle (msg)

Thanks to all of you who've journeyed with me through mine. It's a bountiful season of life that I'm in right now, and I owe it to you all who've nurtured and cared for me in the leaner seasons. Grace, peace and love be with you all today. Show someone love that needs it. The world is a better place with you in it.

It's Friday fun-fun time!

2007-09-28T15:33:00.000-05:00

Hey! Did you know that I work at a Zoo? A Zoo where a baby chimp was recently born, too. I get to drive a golf cart to see her tomorrow morning.

Hey! Did you know that it's the Trish's birthday on Monday? I'm going to Lincoln this weekend where we'll don red, cross our fingers and celebrate with copious Runzas.

Hey! Have a great weekend...try and get out and enjoy it, will ya?

Question of the day

2007-09-26T09:13:00.000-05:00

When is bossa nova coming back?

In my opinion, there isn't much sexier music (save most of jazz and Maxwell, of course).

Since all my buddies seem to be bloggin about tuneage, I'm curious, dear readers....

What's your favorite sort of music that makes you feel beautiful?

Listening to : Astrud Gilberto, Shirley Bassey

Share the health

2007-09-24T09:59:00.000-05:00

I watched Sicko a few months ago and it crossed my mind that while, yes, health care is horrible for Americans, there has to be a way to use new strategies proposed by American politicans to help Africans. Since I don't work in health care, it had largely left my mind until I read this amazing article today in the New York Times (Link) that touches on the problem in Rwanda specifically.

The details are hard to fathom. (I think we'd all agree that it's pretty much unacceptable that a woman there has to borrow 5 months salary ($5) from friends to afford a c-section.) The thing I like about this piece is not that it outlines all the injustice (which it does) but that he details the success of community-share programs.

I am by no means a socialist, but after being to Kenya and seeing the power of limited resources stretched and shared, as well as employing community-based sharing in my own circle in KC, I'm pretty sold on its power. Quite simply, we MUST share our blessings to minimize the burden of others.

Anyhow, it's heavy stuff for a Monday, I know, but it's a great piece and I hope you read it.

Go tell Mama

2007-09-18T16:58:00.000-05:00

As we get closer to election time, I'm sure I'll be posting more about who my favorite candidates are, through right now, I'm pretty much in on Obama.

An old friend was posting cool posters on his blog and this Chicago artist did a slew of 'em for Obama. Check it. I'm thinking of picking this one up.

on missing pieces

2007-09-11T13:26:00.000-05:00

Read this today and wanted to share it. I tried to put together some thoughts on why it reached me so tenderly, but I want you to receive it without all that setup.

In my mind, NT Wright is the sort of visionary man of God you have to grow into. If you like this, I highly recommend reading some of this other thoughts.

The Bible and Christian Imagination - N.T. Wright (excerpt)

How do we give an analysis, then, of the world as it is, the present, and of our task within it, within the biblical vision of what it means to be made in God's image. I have an illustration which helps me to understand this. And it may help if you're musical, but you may be able to understand it even if you're not musical. And I want you to imagine that some people in an old house in Vienna, in Austria, in Europe, are grubbing around in an attic, and they come upon a musical score, a piece of music, a manuscript, written by hand, and they look at it and they wonder what it is. And it turns out it's a piece for the piano, and somebody takes it to the piano and says, "This is strange,” playing it, “this is great music, what is it?"

And they phone the museum or the culture center somewhere, and somebody comes and says, "Actually, this handwriting, this is Mozart’s handwriting, but it's very strange, because we don't have this piece of music. We've never seen it before. What is it?"

And then they get a professional pianist, who plays it, and it makes a lot of sense, but it's incomplete. There are bits where there are gaps, where the piano stops and there's a few bars' rest. And it's awesomely beautiful, but it's pointing toward a larger whole. And they realize that what they've got is the piano part of a string quintet. And we haven't got the violins, the viola, and the cello. We've got something which is a signpost pointing us to something further which has yet to be discovered.

That is what the beauty of this earth is like. It is a true signpost. God has put us in a beautiful world, and wants us to celebrate it, but he wants us then to use our imaginations to write those other parts. We'll get it wrong, we will imagine it wrong, but then we'll get glimmers which are getting it right, and the music will grow, and swell, and we will teach one another, and enlarge one another's horizons so that we can actually glimpse and see that there is to be a yet fuller beauty, a beauty in which the ugliness of this world is redeemed, in which the violence is rebuked, in which the possibilities of this world are finally fulfilled. Our culture is not good at imagining that, and it takes the arts to help us to do it — music, poetry, literature, dance, drama, all of that.

The Sound of Rediscovering

2007-08-29T16:39:00.000-05:00

Last weekend I strolled through Streetside Records with my man and ran across an AMAZING Death Cab for Cutie DVD that I picked up – check it . After popping it in while I assembled dinner on Sunday, I was reminded just how brilliant Ben Gibbard and the boys are.

I’ll forever have a special place in my heart for this band. Their music hit me at a particularly fertile season in my musical exploration, and I've now seen them 3 times in concert (the most I've ever seen an artist). Each time I'm even impressed with their energy (the drummer almost broke his arms at the end of their Bleeding Kansas finale of "Transatlanticism") and lyrical prowess.

One of my personal marks for a great band is when it can travel with me over different events and spaces in my life. Granted, I just found them in 2003, but life’s changed a lot since then.

When I “found them” I was falling in and out of love, finding myself and relearning how to be a poet. Lyrics that captured me then were like this:

“oh, instincts are misleading
you shouldn't think what you're feeling
they don't tell you what you know you should want.”
From Lightness (Translanticism)

That line still gets me.

The other night, probably as a result of how much I’m laughing lately, this one stuck with me:

“When we laugh indoors
the blissful tones bounce off the walls
and fall to the ground.
Peel the hardwood backs
and let them loose from decades trapped
and listen so still.”
From "We Laugh Indoors"

At the risk of sounding old...they just don't write songs like that much anymore.

Ben, pleasepleaseplease hurry up with your anticipated Postal Service follow-up or get the boys back together and jam!

Friday randomness

2007-08-24T13:09:00.000-05:00

new foods/beverages that i officially heart:
-nigiri...i've learned to like it and sushi rolls are boring now
-he'brew. "the chosen beer." too awesome for words.
-buffalo tourneados from blue bird bistro. i don't know what in the heck at tourneado is, but it's good. real good.

rediscovered tuneage you MUST check out:
-massive attack's "blue lines" album. great music to tick away a friday.
-mos def's "black on both sides." brilliant lyrics from an amazing musician

new tuneage you GOTTA get:
-common's new album "finding forever." hit up "i want you" and recognize.
-the man, the myth, the legend...Prince's "planet earth." if youself like some gui-tar, you won' t be disappointed.

guilty pleasure artist:
-r. kelly. i knowiknowiknow. what's wrong with me? i should've had my fill after "step in the name of love" and "ignition" but seriously, anyone else think that "i'm a flirt" is like crack? he's the artist you hate to love but do anyway.

movie to check out:
-superbad. it's super good, and hi-lar-ious. "i love you, kel. i want to scream it from the rooftops."

rediscovered childhood game that rules:
-clue. miss scarlet in the billiard room with the knife...kicking ass. love that game.

I love it when God shows off

2007-08-20T11:01:00.000-05:00

In response to Bruce’s question in the comments, here’s the short answer to why I’m so happy:

1. This new job is incredibly exciting and mentally stimulating
2. I am absolutely crazy about a wonderful man…and he feels the same way about me
3. Soulfari Kenya has some big and exciting plans this year

And the long answer:

This is the time where I get to swim around in all of God’s blessings in my life.

Some days lately seem so incredible that it’s too much to touch or describe…it’s the closest I’ve been to heaven in a long time. I want to shout from the rooftops about how great God is. About how lovely this world and its people are. About how phenomenal it is that we can care and create and love and breathe and get to do it every day. I want to yell and dance and sing and spin and laugh like a child because of it.

So that’s sort of what I’m doing…only inside, because my new co-workers would think I was crazy.

All this beauty settles my heart and eases my mind. I know it won’t last forever and life is so fleeting, and I’m incredibly aware of that. Times like this are few and far between, and as far as I’m concerned, it’s damn near blasphemous for us to feel guilty about being so lucky or loved.

So that’s why I’ve had trouble writing anything of great consequence. I’m too busy smiling and dreaming and living and loving. And it's fantastic.

Dear readers, do tell me a tale or two about what’s been beautiful in your lives lately. This goodness seems to be contagious, so I’ve got an inkling that a few of you feel pretty blessed too. Shall we have a heartfest in the comments?

"Git 'er done for God"

2007-08-09T13:27:00.000-05:00

was hands down the funniest church sign I've ever seen (en route to the Ozarks). Check these out for a good Thursday laugh.

Cleverest comparison: Moses' basket journey
Most poetic: Raise your sails
Least favorite: Tithe if you love Jesus (isn't guilt played out yet?)

Road-trippin'

2007-08-06T15:25:00.000-05:00

All in all, it was one hell of a weekend in Lincoln for my girl Alicia’s wedding.

Fun things about this weekend:
-Cell phones with the Nebraska fight song as a ringtone
-Luna Sea beer from Laslows
-Whole Foods grocery shopping
-Amigos runs at 2 a.m.
-Red raspberry sorbet
-Watching my friends get busy on the dance floor (and subsequent bonus “splits-related” injury)
-Singing along with Prince, Maroon 5, Sir Mix-a-Lot and Simon & Garfunkel on the car drive
-Holding hands
-Dancing to Ben Folds’ song “The Luckiest”

Crap-tastic things:
-Monday
-Unpacking
-That there is no coffee shop on the way to work

...I'd say it was worth it.

Show and tail

2007-08-02T13:31:00.000-05:00

(Ha. It was only a matter of time before I started the zoo puns. )

Story time, kiddos.

Yesterday I grabbed my lunch and walked through our Australia section. It's the only part of the Zoo I hadn't fully explored yet, and I really wanted to see our Orangutans since we're doing a run in September to benefit them.

I sat on a bench and ate my salad, listening to the birds and bugs chirrp in the 95 degree heat. Although I was sweating, I felt like such a big, lucky kid. I'd snagged an info sheet with the names and identifying characteristics of certain animals so I'd know who I was cooing at.

After lunch, I meandered down the path and didn't get very far before I ran across these beautiful guys - red pandas (sorry Kel, we don't have the big ones). Too cool.

As I continued on, I ran across our demoiselle crane. While I'm not usually a bird fan, this is a really beautiful bird that I think is so striking - especially the pretty plumage on their heads.

And although I saw these on Tuesday in our Discovery Barn (also where the koalas are...so cute!) these. are. hands. down. the.awesomest.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the blue poison dart frog.

"I painted the frogs blue because I've never seen a blue frog and I always wanted to know what one looked like."

Comfort in the middle of newness

2007-08-01T09:12:00.000-05:00

I’m sitting in my new office at the zoo (yes, an OFFICE) and I’m getting my life in order.

As I sit at my computer and reclaim all of my old blog links and try to remember other bits of old habits, I’m drinking coffee and musing about just how important it is to feel comfortable when we're in the midst of transition.

I'm struck that the beautifully sinking feeling of comfort manifests itself in so many different ways in my life. It's present in the silent times I experience in the presence of an old friend. It's evident in loving touches I'm reveling in. I feel it in the first sigh when I start to pray.

When I've been faced with new things or change in the past, I've had a tendency to be overwhelmed by them and completely miss the bits of comfort in the storm. But with this job, I guess my spirit was ready before I was, because I'm just not feeling that way about it. I feel remarkably comfortable.

Le sigh. In that spirit of comfort, I'm going back to my coffee and Joe Purdy. This day will unfold around me as my newly plastered pictures on my filing cabinet of all of you smile back at me. I'm going to keep learning about how to plan this wicked cool event, and maybe, just maybe, I'll go eat my salad with the giraffes today.

I am one lucky kid.

"excuse me sir,

2007-07-20T07:51:00.000-05:00

may I have another margarita?"

Ummm...I think that's the script. See you all in a week or so. :)

One Happy Girl

2007-07-18T14:53:00.000-05:00

I’m wearing a tiara right now. I feel very loved.

Today is my last day as an opera lady. And while my co-workers didn’t serenade me (trust me, you don’t want opera staffers to sing), almost the entire staff showed up for my goodbye lunch at Manny’s.
Ain’t nuthin’ like Manny’s to send you off well.

Our director of education gave me a tiara to wear while I opened presents (and for my last day). I got a few opera things, but the group gift brought me to tears – a book called Angels in Africa. I was so moved. These people really got me. They’ve supported me in all of my endeavors.

I’ve been saying it would be bittersweet for awhile, but today, I really feel it.

I’m about to go off and wander though the theatre for the last time. I want to run my hands over the red velvet seats while this place is still mine. I want descend the stairs into the orchestra pit and think of all the melodies that linger in the air. I’ll relive memories I wrote about when I first started, but didn’t understand until now. This music and its longings are a part of my blood now.

At times like this I am so aware of how beautiful this life is. In moments like that, I could curl up in a ball and swim around in it. Time feels infinite.

Today is one of those infinite days. And I’m wearing a tiara to celebrate.

From the catbird seat

2007-07-16T13:13:00.000-05:00

"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you." Psalm 116:7

Before I went to Kenya, I had a distinct moment of clarity where I realized that I tend to treat life's happy things and challenges as if I were constantly climbing mountains. I climbclimbclimbclimb to get to the vista, and once I'm there, I breathe in the view for a second or two, then immediately begin thinking of how I'll get down. This ephiphany was really a gift from God - cognizant of my tendency, I spent my two weeks in Kenya sitting cross-legged at the top of my proverbial mountain. What I saw in my present-ness was amazing - life changing stuff.

I don't have many feelings of deja vu, but as I wrap up my last two days of work and get ready to head into my new adventure at the zoo, I felt that same nagging feeling creep up on me. It's become glaringly obvious that if I don't slow down, I will be in danger of completely missing this blessing.

In the spirit of absolute disclosure, I love change but fight it with every fiber of my being. This crosses over into good, exciting things too. The frightened child in me tends to look for the bottom to fall out. As I get older, I'm starting to believe this is genetically inevitable (worrying being a family trait and all) but I'm still fighting it with all I have. It's not always easy, but the more I've come to understand God, the more I see that this is just not the way to live.

I'm lucky. I'll have an extended vacation in Florida and although it's not a mountain, I can stand at the water's edge and look around a bit. I can look back at the blessings and give thanks. I can look forward at the adventure and be excited. But most importantly, I can sit in the present and look around.

A missive before the safari begins

2007-07-09T14:27:00.000-05:00

Hi kiddos.

I apologize for the incredible lack of posting as of late, but this summer has been certifiably nuts.

As seems to be the case with me, life changes tend to come in big, sweeping movements. Maybe it's my flair for the dramatic, but when something is around the corner, you can bet it'll be a good story that sets me stumbling upon it.

The latest adventure in my life is a new career path. Starting at the end of this month, I'll be moving from the opera world and will deal with prima donnas of a more primal nature - I'll be the Development Events Coordinator in charge of Jazzoo for the Kansas City Zoo.

1. Jazzoo is this wicked cool event that raises serious money for the zoo each year, so that was a huge reason I took this job.
2. This will give me the development experience I'll need to run a not-for-profit someday. (Which is my new longterm dream.)
3. Lions, cheetahs, koalas and elephants at work everyday?

Ummm...no-brainer.

Still, though I've been thinking about a switch for a bit now, this opportunity moved SOOOOOO quickly. From interview to acceptance = 7 days. Just enough time to make your head spin. But in the thick of all this, I've been reminded of just how often God speaks to me this way. Too much time or room to think, and I'll whittle all the beauty out of something. Things moving too fast keeps me dependent on Him.

I've got about 8 days left at the opera, then I head to Florida with the family for some good, quality R&R before I move into my new digs over at the zoo. Literally. Like, nearby the sea lions and stuff. I can eat lunch with the zebras. (Hope they like hummus.)

Anyway, I'm beyond excited, a little nervous (since this is largely uncharted ground for me), and mostly immensely thankful for God's sweet provision. He's been pouring down surprises all over the place as of late and I'm feeling just a little bit like I'm His favorite. (I know, I know. Every person is His favorite.)

In the meantime, keep me in your prayers, swing by the zoo in August, and keep checking this space. I'm sure there'll be all sorts of interesting fodder to muse about soon enough!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Wednesday poetry

2007-06-27T15:16:00.000-05:00

the river
psalm 63

We draw near to your waters,
a thirsty people
parched and begging
for our portion and more
than we deserve.

Our thirst makes us greedy and desperate,
frenzied and ultimately
relieved when we can see that the
water level remains unchanged
as we nobly attempt to drain you.

We float through your waters -
embracing one another,
giving thanks that we can float
and that the water isn’t solid
but has life and keeps pushing us onward.

The quickness of the current isn’t always natural,
yet we are learning not to fight
(as our fragile bodies do not do well with fatigue).

In due time you will take us where you will,
in the pace you’ve perfected over millennia.

A new psalm

2007-06-22T15:22:00.000-05:00

Don’t teach me how to live like a free man,
just give me a new law.
Don’t want to know if the answers aren’t easy.
Just bring it down from the mountain to me.

A New Law – Derek Webb – Mockingbird

*****
I’m working on being ok with the hard stuff,
I promise I am.

And though I don't deserve it
when I have such teeny-tiny faith
(not even a mustard seed or an atom in size),
you still give me little glimpses
of what's to come to tide me over.

They're like sunshine licking my chilly skin.
Your warmth reminds me that I've been here before.
You've covered over me and kept me warm
and gave me a thousand times my portion
just because it pleased you.

I'll keep repeating “I trust you”
until my mind catches up with my heart.
It's dangerously slow to listen,
overlyexcruciatinglyfrustratingly
crowded with anxious thoughts,
but I hear your voice when the quiet comes.
I feel you coarse through my veins when I am still.

It is good that you do not come down from the mountain
when we ask, but when it pleases you.

summertime soul searching

2007-06-20T14:53:00.000-05:00

I find a way back to myself each summer. Perhaps it’s the longer days or the sweet and soft air but I feel more content when I get in some porch time in the languid air.

My hypothesis is that after a winter spent hibernating, I’m ready to throw the covers off and see what’s below. If it’s bad, it’s just too damn hot to care. If it’s good, well, it’s just perfect weather to sit outside and drink tea in its company.

Either way, I’m approaching each new day like “it’s summertime and the livin’ is easy.”

So easy, in fact, that I only winced (not wept) when I turned in my cable box yesterday afternoon. It was sort of like passing around the collection plate and turning my head to the heavens - “Really? I should put in that much? Maybe we could just baby step this first, ya know?” But, it turns out that you can’t give back half of a cable box, soooo….it’s kind of a done deal.

I predict:

1. My apartment is gonna get REALLY clean.
2. Both my gym and running shoes will get a lot more use.
3. I’ll get some sort of fix from NPR for a while but will throw my radio through the window after I hear the same story 3 times in one night.
4. Books will be finished! Huzzah!
5. I will make a SERIOUS dent in my writing/editing projects.

Who are you?

2007-06-12T21:19:00.000-05:00

Self-identification is one of the great hobbies of our existence. Who are we now? Who will we become? Who have we been?

I'm reading the fantastic book, "Bono in Conversation with Michka Assayas" and I'm riveted by it. I pretty much love Bono to pieces, but as I'm learning about his views on life and spirituality, I'm undergoing my own sort of reckoning. It's making me rip my skin off and look at what's beneath. It's incredibly honest, visceral stuff, this book. And I love it for that.

One question that he answers is "Who the hell are you, then?" His answer is a litany of qualities: he's a wine-drinking, Bible-reading, friend of the poor and sometimes the rich....etc.

I was so moved when I read his honest interpretation that I scratched my own definition in the margins. I was tempted to leave it there, but I figure that part of genuine assessment of one's self is owning it.

So, "who the hell am I, then?"

I'm a voyeuristic, wine-drinking, gut-singing, Bible-reading fount of empathy. A reformed neurotic, too cerebral, too emotional. A mess. An artist, a great lover, an even better friend. An advocate and counselor for the lonely, a selfish show-off, mediocre club dancer, shameless seeker of attention and God. A beautiful woman who fights her inner voice to believe it, but usually wins out, often erring on the side of vanity. I have rhythm in my heart, love dripping from my lips and I need books like I need air.

****

Thank you God, for these gifts and for your grace at how I fumble about while using them.

T-minus 10 days...

2007-06-07T15:30:00.000-05:00

A month ago I started toying with the idea of canceling my cable. I hemmed and hawed, even came up with a list:

1. This could be bad for my career.
PR folk are supposed to know lots of stuff about lots of stuff ("or a little bit about a lot," for all you Moore family members out there). But really, this isn't a valid reason with all the newspaper and online coverage I see. So really, #1 is just a b.s. excuse for "I should probably know the latest E! news gossip straight from Ryan Seacrest's lip-glossed lips." (You just know he uses gloss.)

2. But what about educational TV?
Right. Because I'm watching a lot of that at 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning. (In case you're wondering, that's re-runs of 90210 on Soap Net.)

3. But I don't get sucked in to all the crap!
Despite the fact that I've just referenced E! News (and that I know to use the ! after the "E"), I spent 3 hours last Sunday watching America's Next Top Model. I felt really sh*tty about my body after that. Just like I've stopped reading high fashion magazines because I know how they make me feel, TV is full of really thin, really shallow people. What goes in feeds how we feel.

4 through....yeah. I got nothing. There's no time like the present, and whatnot.

So, I've decided that after The Sopranos finale, I'm gonna pull the cord. (A smoker picks a quit date, after all.)

As far as how long I'll hold out - I'm shooting for the duration of the summer. There are fields to roam through and friends to visit and neighborhoods to be explored. If there's an easy season to to do it, I figure this is it.

Just to be clear: this isn't some sort of soapboxy plea for all people to give up their TVs.

I've simply realized that this is a good deal for me right now. The TV has been too much of a companion. Hopefully this will lead me to grow more comfortable with silence, to rediscover old music when I can't take it anymore, and to get some fresh air when I'm claustrophobic.

Today's Album: Kicking Television - Wilco

A time for whittling down

2007-06-04T09:26:00.000-05:00

I'm told that when the you have nothing to write about, the trick is to just write. I'm curious if that works the same way for blogging, because it would seem that I've had very little to blog about.

This used to be a place of great creative output. Some of the things I wrote were turbulent outbursts from a passionate place deep inside of me. A year ago I had all sorts of public thoughts. Diatribes, even. But it would seem that those days are long gone and I feel bad about that. I mean, there isn't much that's new for the few of you who faithfully check this site.

The funny thing is, though this place has been oddly quiet, I'm actually wrestling with my writing more than I've ever done before. I've been sharing very little of it with anyone and producing even less, but I've been tending to the fruit of my sowing - lovingly trimming branches, watering sections, seeing what good blossoms might be plucked.

Yesterday afternoon, I had a rather serendipitous meeting with a group of aspiring writers. I was sitting in the patio's catbird seat at Broadway Cafe when a nearby group caught my attention. I just happened to be reading the same instructional writing book as one of them (Anne Lamott's - Bird by Bird). This happy little coincidence led one of the members to invite me over to join their discussion group and ultimately, their writing club.

One of the guys asked each of us what we're looking for from the group. Some people want to be published (strangely, not me) or learn to create compelling characters (also, not me). When he asked me, without hesitation I said that I wanted focus my thoughts. I need to see if these abstract ideas make sense to someone else. I want to edit them down to something beautiful and tight and understandable.

I want to reap what I've sown wildly into the wind.

It should be no surprise that I lovelovelove the message in chapter 3 of Ecclesiastes (or the Byrd's "Turn, Turn,Turn" for the music fans in the crowd). There is a season for everything and that's beautiful for people like me who like to go 90 to nothing. I need separate times for reaping or sowing. For creativity or rest. For birth or death.

This is the beginning of my season of whittling, reaping, picking and cultivating.

Though this space may suffer for it, there is "a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them" and my pockets are full of pretty little rocks.

I'm not dead

2007-05-31T09:58:00.001-05:00

...just super busy.

Sorry for the lack of posting, but I expect to get back on it in a week or so. (I've got some stuff to muse about.)

If I haven't seen your lovely face in awhile, won't you stop by the Soulfari Kenya Launch Party at Chameleon Arts Project (22nd & Tracy) tomorrow night, June 1 from 6-9?

We just got our non-profit status, so we'll be celebrating and feasting in a Biblical fashion.

Oh...and Moms & Pops will be in town, so you know it's gonna be fun.

Burn...cont'd.

2007-05-23T14:40:00.000-05:00

Thought my few and faithful might appreciate the efforts of two rounds with a particularly crimson pen. I’m calling this one for the Sharpie.

From my back

Puffy white vapor of cloud –
You b r e e z e
across this lapis dome of sky
with such smoky slowness,
dissipating after a minute or two.

Just a second ago your soft molecules
gathered in a marshmallow-y cluster
to form magic things
(lobsters and continents and the like)
before shape-shifting into something
like a cactus or a diving bird
with a too-long wing.

Oh, to be like you,
easily releasing shape as it suits.

Burn, baby. Burn.

2007-05-22T12:07:00.000-05:00

I'm sort of writing again. "Sort of" because I'm doing what I should've done a long time ago. I'm editing.

It's really difficult for me to edit. I feel bad for the little piece or phrase that doesn't fit exactly right and gets cut. It feels like the wordy equivalent of picking kickball teams in third grade.

"Alright, it's really nice that you're focusing on the green grass below you, little sentence, but you just don't fit with the "obsessed with the skies" team over there. You're cut."

Ouch. And "Looking very much like Central Park" felt so right when I wrote it.

I was thinking about my cemetery of sentences (and all the graves I'm filling during my nightly massacres) when I stumbled across these thoughts by one Mr. Wendell Berry in his book, A Part.

An Autumn Burning

In my line of paperwork
I have words to burn: leaves
of fallen information, wasted
words of my own. I know a light
that hastens on the dark
some work deserves - which God forgive
as we must hope. I start the blaze
and observe the fire's superlative
hunger for literature. It touches pages
like a connoisseur, turns them.
None can endure. After the passing
of that light, there is sunlight
on the ash, in the distance singing
of crickets and birds. I turn,
unburdened, to life beyond words.

As usual, he says it better. But then again, I'm sure he edited the heck out of it.

A thankful heart prepares the way...

2007-05-16T11:27:00.000-05:00

"Come fall on us,
we fall on you,
a thankful heart will be our rhythm.
Come fall on us
we fall on you,
a thankful heart will be our song."
Come Fall On Us - 100 Portraits & Waterdeep - Enter the Worship Circle

I need to pause and give thanks in a very big, very public way.

God, you always come through.
You always redeem.
Our trials are only for a moment,
then things are as they should be again.

I am grateful for that peace.

My thankful heart beats in appreciation for you.
My mind is quieted by your peace and love.
You are so very very good to me.
Asante sana.

Summer Benedictions

2007-05-15T16:49:00.000-05:00

I’ve always wanted to live a good, full and meaty life. That kind of existence that leaves me spent - where all the potential in a day has been wrung from it and I STILL keep tugging and twisting to get that last drop out.

I had it all - this whole rush of scary and sweet newness over the last few years and at some point, I’d had enough. My hands couldn’t wring any more. I wanted to curl up for a bit and rest. Slow things down. Get to know myself again.

And that was all well and good and timely and beautiful. Really, really, really beautiful.

Then sometime around April, that dum-de-dum pace started to get old. It was complacency, not restoration.

Perhaps this warm summer air or the *idea* that I might be canceling my cable has lit a fire under me again.

Kiddos, it’s time for something communal and exciting. No more of this solitary winter hibernating.

*******

Let us make fireworks and revel about to LOUD music.

May we feast and rejoice with each other. (Lots of feasting. And hours of egregious fellowship.)

May this life’s already begun blessings stretch down with deeper rooting.

May these minds step over the dead weight of our pasts. The chaff has been burned. It is time to pass the ashes and leave them behind.

May we be adventurers – to distant lands and unfamiliar pastimes.

May we fully embrace life. May we embrace each other without abandon.

*****

"After looking at the way things are on this earth, here's what I've decided is the best way to live: Take care of yourself, have a good time, and make the most of whatever job you have for as long as God gives you life. And that's about it. That's the human lot. Yes, we should make the most of what God gives, both the bounty and the capacity to enjoy it, accepting what's given and delighting in the work. It's God's gift! God deals out joy in the present, the now. It's useless to brood over how long we might live."

Ecclesiastes 5:18-20 (The Message)

The Feminine (A Tribute)

2007-05-14T13:43:00.000-05:00

You take care of the small things.

Like cultivating moments
spent idling outside the mall,
sewing on pointe shoe ribbons,
getting pedicures
and traversing rush hour traffic
to baseball practices and piano lessons.

I was brought up right -
my tiny hands (like yours)
picked up your brushes
and played at being a woman,
hunched over the mysteries of your drawers,
and the magical future that I would inherit
in years of opalescent eyes,
lengthened lashes
and perfumes too big for my age.

Yes, your care was truly deliberate and almighty,
the trunk and roots of our leafy family.

Our Mary. Our stability.

We are always growing and changing,
sometimes fighting to break away from your tether.
(And I know I will never completely understand how that tears and rips.)
Yet all the while your spirit remains vast and comforting -
the quintessential womb of womanness.

My protector and lifeblood.
My mother.

Summer is:

2007-05-11T13:49:00.000-05:00

sunglasses
reading in the shade
walks at night
Marvin Gaye’s “Got to Give it Up”
fresh strawberries
ice cold lunar ale
back porch hang sessions
tiki torches
fresh faces
floaty, floral skirts
outdoor concerts
cruising the farmer’s market
afternoon naps
hot fudge sundaes from DQ
tan lines
burgers
car windows down, Common’s “The Light” blaring
cicadas
sitting in the cheap seats at the K
buying flowers for no good reason
being torn between iced and hot coffee
flip flops
clean perfume

This I Believe

2007-05-10T12:30:00.000-05:00

There’s this series on NPR that I love called “This I Believe.” In it, everyday people become eloquent poets of their experiences, detailing the deepest beliefs of their hearts.

These people open their veins and share their pains, their struggles, their hopes. To say that it moves me would be an understatement. (En route to the Lyric I’ve caught myself crying to the words of a woman struggling to help her daughter overcome addiction – she now believes in the power of support.)

Beautiful stories aside, the series always reminds me that we are all human.

I shared some impassioned words with a friend today. She is a woman who I love and cherish and respect. She is a force - a woman who is dealing with uncertainty and frustration head-on. Things pummel her every day that she cannot control.

Despite all of our communities’ hopes and prayers, God just hasn’t let up yet. I really don’t know why He hasn’t. (Though I believe that He will.)

So I got to thinking about what I do know. I know that I am with her.

If I could call down fire from heaven to wash her clean, I would do it. If I could take on her pain, I would do it. In that aching passion, I am struck that this is my belief:

I believe in the self-renewing abundance of faith.

We will always have enough faith to give a little away to people who need it.

In full disclosure, I’m still in the process of understanding why this is. I may never know, other than to give full, majestic, divine credit to God for it.

I simply know from my own experience that I will not give up my faith for the people I love, nor will I cease to hope and pray on their behalf.

This faith has become self-renewing. Believing in right and good things for others makes me less selfish. I can see their prayers delivered. I can believe again that God is in the business of deliverance. I can know again that He does it for me as well.

As I re-realized today, I know that when we ache and weep and ask for the blessings of the ones we love, well, God just hears those things. And I believe in the aftermath of our wailing, we find faith. We find moments of healing and restoration. For ourselves. For others.

“Then you will look and be radiant,
your heart will throb and swell with joy;
the wealth on the seas will be brought to you,
to you the riches of the nations will come.”
Isaiah 60:5

And he just says it better...

2007-05-09T15:44:00.000-05:00

And a man said, "Speak to us of Self-Knowledge."

And he answered, saying:
Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always know in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.
And it is well you should.

-Khalil Gibran (The Prophet)

Mama, would you be a dahlin' and fetch me a sweet tea?

2007-05-07T17:36:00.000-05:00

So, this weekend Cass and I went to see her old world in Stillwater, Oklahoma. To say that it was a much needed vacation is an understatement, but besides the overwhelming sense of peace I got from visiting the south, I also learned that I:

1. Suck at shuffleboard
2. Rule at naming an artist, song and album in the first 5 seconds
3. Might be the only person who gets inspired to pray in a bar…and does it
4. Find myself saying “y’all,” “mama,” and “daddy,” the second I get south of Kansas
5. Am not a hard-core runner when the humidity is 150%
6. Need to be closer to big, vast skies
7. Have a second family in Cass’
8. Just feel a lot happier in a hammock

On peace

2007-05-03T23:43:00.000-05:00

She howls at the moon from the middle of the moonlit prairie, waiting in the vast blue-gray expanse for the skies to open up and wring out rain.

She aches for it – the liquid simultaneously cool and warm, like the womb of a bubble bath. Something like home.

Ahhh…at last - newly clean, lungs aching, she and God will finally get somewhere. Somewhere transcendent and new – a place where love is all around and venomous snakes stay off her land.

(Then she doesn’t have to look to the ground and watch each step.)

But the poison is a forgotten nightmare. Here they have the moon and the happy little moments where the stars are as children to her. She knows their names, locations and when they came to be. In rapture, she stares. She sleeps the slumber of a newborn infant.

They do. Together. Breath rising and falling in a rhythm set forth in Eden.

Even in bliss, this is not a vision to be made manifest. It is the gossamer and glitter of dreams and pixie dust, only tangible through the magic of a humble carpenter.

She will sigh again, head heavy and mourning her walk into the moonlight. She will watch for snakes as anxiety does its best to rise up as a knot in her throat. But it will not come to pass. The moon is enough light for father and daughter. Eternity and ash. Creator and clay.

We Are Growing Old Together

2007-05-02T16:45:00.000-05:00

This day, so beautiful,
bubbles up towards the heavens.
It rides the gusts of wind upupup
like a gravity-defiant brook or
the bits of breath behind a prayer.

The things you do will not
surprise me,
though I try to be jaded.

Utterly simple,
you will not strut about
with your blessings:
a friendly wink,

a coyly given phone number…

a bus ride,

four miles finished,

eggs and toast and mmmmmm, coffee,

sunshine and shaded chairs,

hipster girls,

articles about Africa,

phone lines to North Carolina,

big water bottles,

bare feet

and newly shorn hair.

In these coincidences,
my heart’s fiery embers are stoked.
Simmering quietly,
as a child just entrusted with a secret
and struck by your vastness,
I am left to
let my thoughts swim about the warm air of this
frenzied Sunday.

Then I’ll realize that heaven is here,
in this city place -
just jumps away from the blue skies above
and eternity.

life moves pretty fast

2007-04-30T15:10:00.000-05:00

if you don't stop and look around, you might miss it."

Ahh, Ferris Bueller. Man of wisdom, that one...but he's right. Here's the cool stuff going on in my universe:

1. I ran the 4-mile Trolley Run yesterday with Cass and we had a blast. First off, it's all downhill, so your times rock (I finished in 41:30 - averaging a 10:29 mile...UNBELIEVABLY fast for me). Second off, 10,000 people ran, so the energy was amazing. Third, my quads are killing me. I realize this shouldn't be a plus, but I feel like a bonafide runner now.

2. Soulfari Kenya is having their launch party and face.africa gallery show on Friday, June 1. My painting of Mercy will be on display and it's gonna be just great. More details will be forthcoming...for now save the date, but try to come by if you're in town!

3. Jacob's Well has been doing a series that's got me all sorts of bajiggity about how I consume things. For starters, I'm trying to change where I purchase things (directly from the farmers, growers, clothing makers) and how much I consume (saying no to disposable sacks, carrying a water bottle instead of always getting a plastic one). JW is holding a forum this Thursday night to discuss it, and if you've thought about these things, it might be worth your time too.

4. The opera season is over. Cue the singing opera lady...and our new logo! It's time to start thinking about our 50th Anniversary Season now! Woot!

5. And on a totally horrendous note, a man shot up a mall in KC yesterday afternoon and killed 3 people. It just reminded me that life is precious and friends and family are a gift. We must practice kindness everyday. May you all be well and treat those you meet with compassion. The world is begging for it.

le sigh

2007-04-26T22:21:00.000-05:00

I just plopped open my beloved blue journal and it smells like the coffee bar I spent the afternoon playing madam observer in. Now, isn't there just something magical about that? All my coffee-swilling brethren can attest to it - there's magic swimming about in the aroma of a beautifully caffeinated cup o' joe. Mmmm...Roasterie, take me away.

Here I was - ready to opine about the joys of life or being single and getting happy with it or how utterly blessed and magical this time seems...but there it is again. Mmmm...that earthy smell, merging with the blue leather of the journal. Wow.

And there we have it. I'm all out of words for tonight, but am set to dream of my morning cup, deliciously deserved after a completely peaceful Friday morning run.

...and life just don't get much better than that.

the eye of the beholder

2007-04-25T16:16:00.000-05:00

“The faculty of creating is never given to us all by itself. It always goes hand in hand with the gift of observation. And the true creator may be recognized by his ability to find about him in the commonest and humblest thing, items worthy of note.” - Igor Stravinsky

There was a period of life where I painted furiously. Color dripped from my veins onto canvas. Ideas buzzed through my brain like caged bees, frenzied and incensed until their release.

Then all of a sudden, I don’t paint much.

Sometimes there is peace about it, but I do lament its absence. Has my creativity dried up? Am I done for? As one does when something vanishes, I searched for its original source. What had inspired me then? What was my state of mind?

When I began to paint, the source of creativity was largely a catharsis – the self-clearing of the dry brush surrounding an injured heart. When the space was clean, the process became self-renewing. I’d see a child walk by and would hold her in my heart until I returned home and could place her on paper. That creative spark inspired me to keep looking around me. It seemed that painting made me observe things differently - in chunks, as if I could freezeframe my existence and preserve it.

Why, Eureka! It seems that observation and a healthy sense of voyeurism were my impetus.
bg
Last night I stared at the paintings above my couch. Paintings I'd done to pay homage to the gift of Kenya and the people it encompassed. They made me want to try and catalog this murky season of my life - to separate the fused bits of this amalgamation that is my modern life.

As summer hastens his humid return to upon our fair city, I have confidence that color will drip from these hands once more. Patios make fantastic watchposts, and I’m planning on sitting in the catbird seat at McCoy’s as soon as possible. Won't you join me for a pint and some inspiration?

Today's soundtrack: Simple Things - Zero 7 - Simple Things (Bonus)

Loyally

2007-04-18T13:15:00.000-05:00

I don't think much about being an ADPI now that I'm out of school.

My letters still emblazon my gym t-shirts. I frequently run in my favorite hat. Last night I had an amazing 2 hour talk with one of my favorite sisters. My sorority was largely a thing of the past.

Then today I got an email from a woman who I admire so fiercely. She was 2 years ahead of me and in her kindness, she was the true embodiment of sisterhood. She's now an active advisor for my old chapter and she'd heard about the tragedy at Virginia Tech. Her first reaction was to extend her prayers and support to the Eta Pi chapter there.

In her correspondence, it turns out that one of my little sisters at VT was injured. Thankfully, she's going to be all right.

As I read my sister's email and the response back from the VT Eta Pi president, I instantly remembered the words I uttered in our ceremonies. Our colors, azure blue and white. Our mascot. Our secrets. The women I've lost touch with over time. Holding their hands during a candle pass. Our initiation robes.

I am thankful that they are all safe...as far as I know.

Their safety is a warm blanket.

Today I'm reminded that true sisterhood bridges time, generation and space. This recovering woman is a sister of mine, and today, I grieve for her and her chapter, and I pray the 15th Psalm over her.

"He that doeth these things shall never be moved."

Loyally,

Your sister from Epsilon Mu <>

Old Grooves

2007-04-17T11:21:00.000-05:00

This weekend I caught part of an old BET awards presentation that rocked my face off. They paid tribute to Chaka Khan (someone I haven't paid that much attention to). What really grabbed me was how Prince, Stevie Wonder and India.Arie serenaded her...then she joined up. Man. She can SANG.

Suffice it to say that my neighbors must have thought I was crazy because I was dancin' all around the apartment and trying to sing to I'm Every Woman. But that's another story for another day.

So fast-forward to today at the opera. I'm doing some writing and creative stuff before our opening of The End of the Affair this Saturday (which I'm totally pumped for). I figured I should pick up an old groove soundtrack on iTunes to stimulate creativity.

So far I've bought:

Rapture - Anita Baker. Holy crap I forgot how good this album is. My Mom used to play this in the car on the way to my ballet lessons. Well, this, Luther Vandross and Gregory Abbott, anyway. No wonder I've got some great taste in R&B.
Must listens: No One In The World, Sweet Love

I Feel For You, Ain't Nobody - Chaka Khan. Great dancin' tunes. Being the Prince fan that I am, I especially love I Feel For You. I need to check out more of her stuff.

Anyway, it's lunchtim and all this old tuneage buyin' has got me wondering - what do you listen to that your parents instilled in you? I've talked before about my Dad's penchant for '70s classic rock and the impact it's had in my musical tastes. I owe Mom big time for R&B and Motown.

Did your Dad love Willie Nelson? Your Mom in to Sinatra? Throw your thoughts up in the comments...

And heaven met earth...

2007-04-13T15:53:00.000-05:00

last Friday night in Lawrence, where cherubim and seraphim took a break from all their white cloud loafing-about to inhabit the bodies of Neko Case and her opening band, The Jon Rauhouse Quartet.

To try and explain the aural bliss I encountered with my buddy Josh is next to impossible (so take this guy's word for it), but I dare say that this show was the best concert I've ever been to.

Neko has this mesmerizingly powerful voice, with a sort of Patty Griffin-ish vibe. But she's louder. And crazier. And hilarious. Though both songstresses have this delightful shyness to them, you get this feeling that Patty would sip on some cammomile tea and Neko would throw back some Jack.

Oh, and there was banjoin' at this show. Lots of it.

If you haven't taken my advice and gotten hip to Neko, pick some of it up this weekend. She plays well with wine and company or coffee and a car ride...you pick.

Setlist: A Widow's Toast; Things That Scare Me; That Teenage Feeling; The Tigers Have Spoken; Lady Pilot; Maybe Sparrow; Dirty Knife; Tightly; If You Knew; Margaret vs. Pauline; Buckets of Rain; I Wish I Was the Moon; Deep Red Bells; Lion's Jaws; Train From Kansas City; Hold On, Hold On; Star Witness.

Encores: The Tigers Have Spoken; The Needle Has Landed; John Saw That Number; Knock Loud.

My concert highlights: That Teenage Feeling; I Wish I Was the Moon; John Saw That Number

nib·ble

2007-04-11T14:16:00.000-05:00

1 a : to bite gently b : to eat or chew in small bits
2 : to take away bit by bit

I haven't had the will to finish a book in quite some time (a result of last month's quest to take the pressure off). In the interim I haven't stopped reading, but I've been enjoying various papers, essays, poetry and short articles.

There’s a particular pleasure in this sort of literary nibbling that I forgot about. Wandering through 10 pages here and there feels like a quiet oasis in the middle of my over-thought days. It’s made me realize how easy it is to break our lives up into novel-sized proportions – each book a goal or project - all or nothing.

My actions have written many novels by:
-running an entire 5K
-going to Kenya
-working to change certain habits
-dating, not-dating, stepping into the gray-area, not-dating

With each completed manuscript, amazing things have become part of my story. Things are completed, direction is gained, and ink has dried.

But this sort of lengthy, focused existence with beginning, middle and end is not my life’s natural proclivity.

Like these poems and essays of varying length and substance, I’m made to be broken up into chunks. My existence is that of a born nibbler.

I like to know small parts of things. We even joke about it in my family - as my brother would say, “we know a little bit about a lot.”

It’s frustrating because there’s this unspoken societal taboo in America with regards to nibbling. We see potential in a child, foster it, and encourage them to excel. With time, they must choose between scat-singing and pirouetting.

Maybe it’s a bit of mid-twenties rebellion, but I think that choosing just sucks.

See, I like Nebraska Cornhusker football, Common, Kenyan skies, Red Zinfandel, talking to strangers, watching an opera, reading the paper, Wendell Berry, ballet dancing, making coffee in a French press, Newcastle, praying while in my car, black sharpies, crime and detective books, being frustrated while running, writing in my journal, buying shoes, eating cheese and bread for dinner, talking about God, putting on lip gloss, dancing around my apartment, hugging just about anyone, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and peanut butter.

(And that’s just off the top of my head.)

These are all things I know about to varying degrees. I have nibbled and chomped down on them, sinking my teeth into all that makes up this special life. The list reads like that of a schizophrenic, but it is entirely me, through and through.

(chomp.)

Dress-up

2007-04-06T09:34:00.000-05:00

This Easter, I'm reminded of the importance of family.

Because of all the stuff with my Aunt, my Mom and Grandma have been down in Florida taking care of all the business and won't be back in time for Easter.

Usually parts of the Donaldson clan trek over to Lincoln for Easter mass and brunch somewhere. We're only there for part of the day, but it's an exceptionally good day. The new (great) Grandchildren would be running around after eggs, wearing frilly white socks with their shoes, giggling when the "Easter Bunny" stops by our table.

When I was a child, an especially magical part of this time involved pretty new Easter dresses. Sometime the week before, I'd go to the mall with Mom and search for something lovely, but somewhat warm (it was a little too early for sundresses in March). I spent many an Easter shivering, or (gasp) taking in the "dreaded white sweater."

Blech. I hated when she made me do that.

During my first year down in Kansas City, it was odd think that the new dress tradition might end. I was really broke, so Mom came to the rescue, letting me get a new yellow dress that I wore to my first Easter as an "independent, workin' woman."

It felt good to be between two worlds - still taken care of, at the same time making my own way in my own city.

I'll remember that feeling this Sunday.

I'll go to my first Easter service at my own church. In my own world. Surrounded by my own people. But I'll be wearing that yellow dress. And I'll be missing you, Mom.

And we are free.

2007-04-03T14:50:00.000-05:00

There are so many themes that can relate to Holy Week: redemption, thankfulness, forgiveness, darkness.

At my church, the community has done a remarkable job of tackling the subject of slavery (both in theory and in reality). My crew and I are in the process of wrapping our arms around a particularly butt-kicking Sunday sermon (which I expect to post about more concretely in a bit).

But in my own life’s circumstances, I’ve been captivated by liberation.

This week, an amazing liberation is taking root in the life of my aunt. She’s already failed a few times, but I’ve remained hopeful and prayed a lot.

So my heart just melted yesterday when I got the news that she's agreed to go into rehab.

I’m so unbelievably proud of her. To face your inner demons, all the while knowing the consequences will separate you from your children - that’s no small feat.

I’m also sort of knocked on my ass about this. I’ve been praying for this redemption for awhile, and God delivered. He came through. Though I’ve seen some miraculous things in my life, it never ceases to amaze me when that happens. But that’s the beautiful part about God’s liberation. He doesn’t give up on us.

“With your hand you drove out the nations,
and planted our fathers;
you crushed the peoples
and made our fathers flourish.
It was not by their own sword that they won the land,
nor did their arm bring them victory;
It was your right hand, your arm,
and the light of your face, for you loved them.”

Psalm 44:2-3

So, my friends...I see again what true, flourishing, life-giving liberation can be like. Please join the chorus in prayer and thanksgiving, because this Holy Week, my heart is singing, loud and off-key and in inappropriate places:

"You are so good to me,
You heal my broken heart,
You are my father in heaven...
You are beautiful, my sweet, sweet song."

You Are So Good To Me - 100 Portraits & Waterdeep Album: Enter the Worship Circle

a little friday good cheer

2007-03-30T14:13:00.000-06:00

I just got to thinking that this world is hard, heavy and burdensome, and you know what? Sometimes we just need to laugh. Here are a few things that I find to be utterly hilarious:

-Will Ferrell as George Bush
-The Office (last night's marathon was awesome)
-When someone starts laughing and either snorts, cries or coughs because it's so funny
-Men who run in tank tops
-People who try to push or pull a door open the wrong way, then stare at it, perplexed as to why it won't obey
-Tiny dogs
-Children's jokes (Ask about my pirate joke. It's classic.)
-Umm...pirate jokes too

Deservedness

2007-03-29T10:12:00.000-06:00

I've seen you walk unafraid
I've seen you in the clothes you've made
Can you see the beauty inside of me?
What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

- U2’s City of Blinding Lights

We all hunger to be known. There’s something uniquely human in this desire.

My friends and I have all been struggling with this in acute ways as of late. Feeling that no one truly knows us, sometimes we are left feeling vulnerable, unloved, undeserving, misunderstood, not valued.

I should mention that my friends and I are people committed to knowing Jesus and following his ways. But being a Christian does not exempt us from these feelings of loneliness. I used to think or hope that it did, but I’m finding now that perhaps it magnifies them.

I’m still mining through a rather pervasive feeling of grayness that swept over me in the middle of March. Life has largely returned to normal and I feel good again – loved well, validated, worthy, beautiful, even. But the unexpected hiccup reminded me that this world will always be cold. We will always feel misunderstood and dissatisfied for good reason - because we are made for so much more.

Our souls innately understand and respond to this. As Christians, we hold the truths of the world in our hearts through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, though our minds may be malleable, our hearts and souls will not be satisfied with this half foot-in, half foot-out sort of existence that our busybusyrushrush world advocates.

We will always long for the quiet, still spaces where God reveals Himself. We will always long for the revelation in those moments where we know our true identities – we are the beloved sons and daughters of a great King.

As with the best parental relationships, at the core we need not “be” anything more. Only with God, he made us so it would seem that He already is overjoyed that we exist. As the psalm says, “Because he delights in me, he saved me” (Psalm 18:19). Not “Because I have done so much good (or been so perfect or loved so many).” Not for any of the things we could ever do. Quite simply, because HE delights in it.

And so, with that simple truth taking root, I’m trying to keep daily life that simple too. I’m weeding out the excess crap that isn’t life-giving. All the while, slowing things down, I’m reminded that in these lonely times where we don’t know how to stop a war, feed a continent, or eradicate injustice, sometimes we have to step back and know that we’re loved.

Then maybe, just maybe, that love we feel and know to be our identity in Christ will overflow enough to start healing those bigger things.

After all, it only takes a spark…and the fire’s gotta start somewhere.

"For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.”

2007-03-26T14:53:00.000-06:00

- Wendell Berry

******

Cooking and chopping are holy work.

Standing over the waste bin,
weeding through chaff,
these modern, citified hands
touch the bounty of the earth,
blessing it with water,
storing and gathering for its full and intended use.

It is a very good thing to be a woman.

Ankles stand small and proud,
supporting these ever-expanding hips,
preparing for the fulfillment of
their future blessing.

The light hum
of this feminine heart
beats strong
as delicate hands
chopchopchop
singing a sweetly staccato song
in a tune older than time.