the church part 2

Thanks to all for the encouragement, feedback, etc. That's what makes this all so rich. We still don't have it figured out, but I thought I'd ruminate a bit to see where this new stuff settles.

I'm realizing what sort of power the church as community shouldn't have for me. Sometimes (and as Myles referenced) people leave churches...or friendships...or families for entirely too few reasons. They are proud or bruised or selfish or afraid. I've reached out harder and stuck through the pain to not be one of those people.

We were driving home from Thanksgiving when Mr. Man made a brilliant observation: We're not trying to leave this particular church. It just seems to be leaving us.

I'm reminded of all those moments in my early faith where people counseled me to reach out and rebuke some sort of sin in the people around me. To be sure, there's time for that, but I'll be damned if it's gonna come unsolicited from people I sort of know.

This would be dangerous if I didn't have anyone else, but that's what I've got my friends and family around me for. I've chosen to trust them and give them that sort of freedom to speak unto me. I also trust God pretty implcitly to do this. (He's got a damn loud voice.)

But I haven't given this churchy group of people, who though I like and respect, that sort of reach. It'd be one thing if I surrounded myself with yes men and women, but I haven't. (As those of you who know my girls can attest.)

I've chosen to surround myself with people who empower me and trust in my ability to make the right decisions. I've earned it after making some really bad ones, and working through some horrendous ones, I know the boundaries of a healthy life for myself.

But back to the issue of abandoning or sticking it out: Churches, and a lot of well-meaning people in them, have really bought into the idea that we need to stick and get beat up and wrestle with our "church." I know that Paul talks a lot about the body, but where is this Biblical idea that we're supposed to spend our lives in one community? We change and evolve and find natural reasons to go different places. Shouldn't our ultimate devotion be getting to find God?

If a good thing is the church as an ultimate testing ground, we can find it in other places too. We go to work and encounter lots of people who will give God plenty of space to push us. I'm just thinking that the main place you go to find him and be vulnerable shouldn't be this frought with chastisement.

We get to thinking that true nobility or righteousness involves some sort of struggling and wrestling. And a lot of the time it does. But we have the choice of whom we'll hear that truth from. Life is far too hard and precious to spend it wrestling with people, who, from what I've seen proved, seem to not want to care about us beyond our circumstance.

So I've actually let go of quite a lot of the hurt. And I'm glad I've felt it. I'm hoping to go and sit in the back of our church in the next few weeks and see if I still feel anything close to comfortable. Because like it or not, you've gotta be able to be true and vulnerable to see a semblance of God.

happy day

so to cope with the issues of late, I'm enjoying:

-wine
-the fact that a 4-state tour with family is ahead of me
-iTUNES!!!! they're back on my computer after a 1.5 year hiatus. first purchases: John Legend's Evolver and Amos Lee's new stuff.

gobble gobble with a groove, y'all.

The church

I've stolen away some time this evening to be by myself and reflect on a situation that's yielding some tough questioning, doubt and hurt.

Mr. Man and I find ourselves at odds with our church over our living situation and whether that will limit our ability to serve as members in volunteer positions. Of course it's much murkier than that, but that's the jist.

To start - I'm going to try really hard not to bag on the people, though we disagree. It's been a beautiful place and this hiccup is just making me a little confused. Though they've been better than other churches we've encountered, that we were approached at all is causing us to reassess. After my 3 years there (and his 7+), do we feel like it's still our home?

The point that is puzzling my puzzler tonight is about how much authority the church should be granted. Most of you know that I'm inclined to ceede very little, thank you very much, to people I don't personally choose. But is this reality? Is my membership in any large organization part and parcel with some sort of "right" to tell me what's what? This gets even murkier when the Bible gets involved and all sorts of scripture about pastoral authority gets bandied about.

I'm proud of us for sticking in the muck and sorting through it without just huffing off mad. Stuff that stings this much and feels invasive has the tendency to grow and change us - though the process can be awful. It's my hope that God will keep doing what He's always done and lead me into something that is relevant and speaks to my life now. He's been all about moving me forward and healing me, and no frustration or hurt from other people will dispell that truth.

So to be clear - I'm not having a crisis of doubt about Him. It's about how I learn and follow Him.

One thing I'm tossing out there - and will honestly welcome the dialogue about - is the role of leadership or servants in a church and what standards can be expected of them. I'm of the opinion that unless you are exhibiting destructive behavior that affects others, there's really nothing that should stop you from being a full member. Maybe this belief will lead me towards another community of more open-minded believers (I've been looking at the United Church of Christ), or maybe it will lead me to the conclusion that church can be seperate from your own community (and mine is FULL of open-minded believers).

So that's the rub this fine Sunday night. I've gone from being pissed to humble, back to pissed and am settling on something close to adult reflection. More to come...

My heart melts with gratitude

My favorite women gathered in my home tonight for a beautiful feast.

My favorite man came home early to make a turkey for us.

We had such a wonderful time laughing and making connections.

The food was lovingly prepared and wonderful.

Craig held Jonah as he fell asleep.

I laughed and looked around my home as it was filled to the brim with love.

There is nothing wrong in my world. I am so lucky and blessed.

Yes we can

...elect a president who rewrites history
...again become a nation that strives to succeed and fail TOGETHER
...overcome the divisiveness that has ruled Washington and bled into our towns
...vow to remain committed to our local communities and ride this wave to local changes
...pledge to hold our MO election board accountable for HORRENDOUS voting conditions
...swim around in this moment and take a breath knowing that we've been heard
...hold Obama to his word with our communications to a man that will listen
...see this nation as a hospitable world neighbor again
...know that this is the day the Lord has made
...walk taller and prouder
...start searching for a woman to break history in my lifetime

Dear clamoring reader(s)

:)

I start and end with Ms. Anne Lamott's genius: "Life is terribly time consuming." Agreed. Life has been full of new schedules and all the things that life becomes. Since I last wrote:

-Obama appears poised to make a real go of it (GET OUT AND VOTE ON NOV 4!!!!)

-The new job has begun and it's great. The people at the University of Kansas Hospital are incredibly smart and professional. I had my first event last week and it went well. I'm getting used to totally new systems AND the fact that my wardrobe needed a serious business upgrade. No jeans EVER. For real.

-I'm trying to dig myself out of merely existing. I've been kicking a cold for a week or so now and with all these changes, I get home and camp out on the couch for a few hours. It's not making me smarter, but it is getting me caught up on Heroes. Which you should all start watching.

-To that end, I'm hoping to revive the old flames of my fall inspiration with getting my hands on some Wendell Berry and sitting outside for a bit. Nature brings me back to myself and reminds me of how big God is.

-Mr. Man and I are getting into a really fantastic time. We know each other's foibles and quirks. (We love and are loved in return as Mr. Berry would say.) In the midst of this, because we live together (in sin, some assert), we're facing some pretty craptastic scrutiny from people I haven't given permission to. So we're loving each other harder, giving thanks for those of you that love us, even if you wouldn't make the same choice, and we are remembering that God loves the mess out of us no matter what.

-So, we end in a place of hope and faith. For political hope. For a new job that fulfills. For a love that flourishes and is appreciated. We go on as Anne Lammot asserts: "Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

Indeed.

Sayanora

I have less than an hour left at the Zoo, and it's a bittersweet moment. This place is beautiful and fantastic, and I learned so much last year creatively.

It is, however, time to move on.

But before I get to that, Mr. Man and I are taking a little road trip for some much needed relaxing and we're off this afternoon. Keep your fingers crossed for great weather and fun stories.

So to my Zoo buds, I'll miss you much. To the new folks I'll be working with...I'm coming your way!!!